I don’t understand! Jim Morrison promised me that Keanu Reeves would host my charity event! Thanks a pant load, Chet!

“And then when I put on the dress my father thought I was my dead mother and he got so distracted that he forgot to lock the tiger cage and my brother got mauled to death. Still the best dress I ever found at a thrift store!”

So I had to come back to this and tell you that I finally tried the impossible burger at BK, and yeah...it’s actually really good. Definitely the only meat substitute I’ve tried that didn’t make me want to cry! Probably never would have given it a chance if you hadn’t written this so please allow my never ending…

Which Tom would never have been able to pull off if Dickie had 800k Instafans...

I will henceforth imagine Kelly Cutrone entering all rooms everywhere to the tune of Ludacris’ Move, Bitch.

That whole thing read like a gender flipped Talented Mr. Ripley for the Instagram Age.

I mean, shit. I’m relatively thin and trying on bathing suits is one of my least favorite things to do. Imagine being handed your standard issue one piece and being told “Wear this if you want to be allowed to swim.” And then there being an active ruling on whether it goes up your butt too far, this is a thing…

Good to know! Thanks!

So it’s actually good? I’m not a vegan, but vegetarian and I’ve all but given up on meat substitutes. I was so excited to try the “Beyond Burger” but honestly, that can only taste good to someone who’s never actually tasted meat before.

Oh shit, Andrew Bird? I’ve had a thing for him ever since my kids were babies and he played Dr. Stringz on Jack’s Big Music Show. (This is probably the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever typed.)

Also, as an European, I learned that Monterey is pretty left-wing. That school is public, for instance, so people with Jane’s income don’t have to share their neighbors’ means to afford it.

Honestly, I feel like that is definitely something Shailene Woodley does on the regular.

This is what I came for....

Everyone in Winterfell:

Scientology makes for strange bedfellows.

My daughter has an IEP for speech services because she has a slight lisp. So no, just having an IEP does not necessarily mean disabled.

I tried to make my French bulldog Instagram famous. I thought with her trademark looks, Blue Steel, Le Tigre, Magnum and What Kind of Fucking Idiot Are You? she’d be a shoo-in. Alas she refuses to wear adorable outfits or pose with props so her following has plateaued at 900.

I bet it was Karma

I let my 10 year old watch it. It utterly wrecked him, but he loved it. Some of my fondest childhood memories involve being destroyed by movie scenes. (Artax in the Swamp of Sadness, etc.) Far be it from me to deny him the same experience.

Honestly, I’m of the opinion that “Get Out” was okay. Not anywhere near as great as it was hyped to be, but no worse than the other dozen or so over-hyped movies that get churned out every year.