Gwyneth Paltrow would probably mistake my middle class suburban home for a refugee camp. And she'd probably be all Goldie Hawn in Overboard about it. "Ahn-drewwww! These gnats keep landing on my wet nail polish! Am I supposed to just walk around with their little corpses stuck to my fingers?"

I love you.

Haven't refugees been through enough already?

Well, I can't call a 13-year-old sexy. That would make me a "person of interest."

Yeah, joyless. I can feel joy watching any number of films that contain depressing material and violence, but Haneke leaves me utterly cold. It feels like nihilism to me, though I doubt he'd describe it that way because it's so cliche. But the man is no Werner Herzog. Take films like Grizzly Man or Rescue Dawn —…

Well, I know how I'm wasting time at work for the rest of the day.

That's interesting, because when I think of children getting abducted and tortured, I immediately think of Michael Haneke, whom the Cannes critics routinely line up to fellate.

Das mine. Let's all go!

Well that's disappointing. I love Matt Smith, Ian DeCaestecker and Christina Hendricks, and had hoped that this would be decent.

Isn't it obvious who should play the other detective? They've done this before. Time is a flat circle. He can even smell the psychosphere.

'Why does your husband need to go to the club right now?'"

Random, but my 6 year old thinks White Lines by Grandmaster Flash is a song about how too much sugar is bad for you.

How many cats do you have?

I wife and I adore our son, he never fails to make us happy. You grumpy misanthropes don't know what you're missing.

Oh, Gwyneth. Did you really just link to that fucking "Hardest Job in the World" video to make your point?

Oh please, if you seriously have issues with jokes about divorce, I can't imagine you could tolerate anything.

I think when you have your wedding and reception in a place as public as a "Hotel and Casino" you might expect some folks to crash it.

Am I the only one who thinks the married couple come off as ridiculous in this situation? Posting the photos on FB and trying to track the crashers down seems so overboard. It doesn't seem like they got fall down drunk and made a scene or anything. When I saw the headline of drunken antics, I was expecting more…

how did my mind repress christopher pike for so long!! this has given me a flood of creepy memories. Yay!