All porn is exploitative, because all labor is exploitative. It’s got nothing to do with this “sex-positive versus sex-negative” argument. It rests solely on the answer to one question: Do you own your body?

He also thinks two condoms work better than one. Public service announcement: using two condoms at the same time increases the risk of condom failure.

I recommend you look for Serge Gainsbourg’s reggae version, which outraged beyond reason the French conservative in the 80’s.

THEY ARE OBJECTIVELY TERRIBLE MOVIES.

True sentiment, but I’m distracted by how cute that kid is. I want to give him a box of crayons and jump rope with him and Grover on Sesame Street.

If done properly, the children will be Jewish.

I have had only one slumber party, and after that one my mom said never again. It was mainly because of the girl who put herself in the dryer...and the other girl who turned it on for a second. We all started screaming at her. The girl in the dryer was just fine.

Just don’t forget to rinse the bowl out when you’re done, Chrissy. I swear to God, you could construct skyscrapers out of that shit when it’s left in the sink.

The sooner you learn that women’s bodies, especially pregnant women’s bodies do not belong to them and that feeble little female minds can’t possible know what is good for them, the better off you will be.

I suggest he volunteers for a new space program I’ve just now decided to fund, where we tie him to a rocket, and then send it to the fucking sun.

Baby magic?

Let’s say I only have one kid. You mean to tell me it can never, ever be by itself for 5-10 minutes? In the safety of a crib if young enough? In a play pen? In a high chair? In a protective bubble I have it specially made for it so I can have 5 minutes to myself??? I don’t believe this is true.

Yes! “My penis is too straight!” “It’s ok, babe, just don’t touch it and it will go down.”

BABIES EAT POOP?????

Ha, indeed! “Yes, I know it’s funny that your penis is too big to fit in your underwear, but we don’t play with penises in the family room.”

It makes pooping at work seem like a bastion of privacy and personal space.

Duct tape them to the walls, that’s my plan.

You can actually be alone in the bathroom after you have kids because there’s this thing on the bathroom door called a lock. It’s okay to use it because there’s also nothing wrong with teaching your kids the concept of privacy.

You find yourself saying things like “you can play with your penis in your room, but not in the living room.”

GIGI