I’m pretty sure the common thread here is marijuana. The employees got freaked out by a customer and hid in the back: high. Dude goes to CVS in the middle of the night looking for cheese and spends 45 minutes wandering around the store: high.

I am SO glad that baby was ok but goddamn I’d throw every ticket in the book at those parents. PROPERLY RESTRAIN YOUR CHILDREN!!! (And remember no puffy winter coats in the car seat! Use them like a blanket over the child once they’re already strapped in!)

Tea Kettle... Tea kettle?

Fuck you people who keep your guns ”hidden.”

Goddammit, lock that shit up in a gun safe and the bullets some place else.

Not long now. I smell tomatoes.

So weird—I heard she’ll be 45 in January.

I had to pause the video and take a moment when Newt fucking Gingrich accused Fox fucking News of liberal bias.

This is important because so many people encourage kids to hug or kiss people they might not want to - whether it’s an adult or other kid. I mean. The intent is not bad, it’s cute or charming.

Why do people want to hug kids anyway?

Actually, she was just a grandchild in this story. :p

My little sister who is 10 years younger than me would maek up fantastical stories. One time she said my brother and me were killed in a fire and the teacher believed it and pulled my mom aside to express condolences and my mom was totally baffled and had to explain we were at home and she had no idea why she would…

I bought a Milky Way from a vending machine at school once and my teacher told me I couldn’t eat it until after class. I stuffed the whole thing into my mouth when she wasn’t looking, but of course she noticed and took me out into the hallway where she asked me if I had eaten the candy bar, and with my mouth full of…

I don’t know if this fits, but my grandmother implicated me in her lie. She smoked Cool Menthols. Horrible terrible gross cigarettes. Back when I smoked, I was a Marlboro guy, but I had quite for years.

In 5th grade, my parents finally moved me from the tiny little South Jersey Pentecostal school I’d been in till then, into the public middle school. I was super weird and religious and did NOT understand the other 10 year-olds; I was just daunted by their relative worldliness. So I made up tons of lies to seem…

I want to rewrite the end:

I hated school by senior year in high school, and my best friend had an afternoon work study job in town, so I often got “sick” at lunch and rode home with her. But the principal started just sending me to the nurse’s office, so I upped the ante and began telling him that I had suddenly started my period and had to go…

When I was in the second grade, I got in trouble for some thing or another. I don’t remember what. But I had to bring a note home and get it signed by my mom, then bring it back the next day. Not wanting to get in more trouble, I decided to cunningly forge my mom’s signature. I spent entire minutes practicing to…

Because he lied about the dog. Auntie was pissed.

No, just living vicariously through your experience. :-)

I was one of those kids who is constantly hungry - like, must eat every fifteen minutes hungry. I used to wake up in the middle of the night and binge-eat leftovers because my stomach hurt so badly that I couldn’t get back to sleep without shoveling in food. I blamed it on my sister; my parents bought it even though…