Thank you for making sure to leave enough time for Lindsey Buckingham. I always feel bad when he gets cut for time.

My guess is that’s how police departments will fund themselves now that everyone’s getting all pissy about civil forfeiture.

Is it true that a single hit will cause me to go on a tri-state killing spree?

WEST VIRGINIA! MOUNTAIN MAMA! TAKE ME HOME!

Your comment about smelling what’s cooking makes me want The Rock to be her co-judge. That would be amazing.

Honestly, everyone should do this once a week anyway. It refreshes the soul.

I didn’t pay any attention to this mess after seeing a “Michael Phelps will race a shark!” headline, but I assumed they were going to have a divided pool or something. How hard would that be?

Well, the republicans have been praying for another president like Ronald Reagan for thirty years now. Be careful what you wish for, I guess.

So the president of the United States has gone full Costanza, is what I’m hearing.

My grandfather prepared puns in advance and waited for chances to use them. He told me he had one he’d been sitting on for years, waiting for the perfect moment. As far as I know it died with him, which is a shame since he was one of the funniest people I’ve ever known. A bit odd, but funny.

Damn right it’s not the Garden. Does it even have obstructed view seats?

Can we get Karen David as Jasmine?

I damn near died going out to get the mail the other day (temp was only 70 but there was no shade or breeze!) but a deaf, retired dog survived a horrible winter in the mountains.

Why are you trying to distract us with unrelated trivialities? Men are being excluded from a single showing of a comic book movie!

Can I borrow Landslide In My Cooter to use for the name of my new band?

Presumably, they’ll be landing at night.

It’s a sad day when someone fails to recognize American treasure John Stamos. The other guy is clearly the love child of Bradley Cooper and Mario Batali.

I am amazed and frankly impressed that the vote was unanimous.

And other people would think long and hard about continuing to pay the gym if they’d kept the Nazi and kicked the anti-Nazi out. The people who own the gym apparently think people who don’t want to work out with Nazis outnumber those who don’t mind. It’s just a business decision, nothing to get worked up about.

“And wouldn’t the cleavage crate drag while swimming?”