I enjoyed it immensely, probably because I’ve always been a fan of the books and was convinced it was going to be horrible. Probably more fair to say it was a good adventure flick and worth seeing if you’re interested.

I hate you because it’s true.

I have never been more proud to be an American.

As a bald guy who’s been fat since grade school, let me say two things:

What about killin’, though? Nobody deserves to be murdered, but some people need killin’. Search your heart, you know it to be true.

Okay, you've convinced me. No murder, not even a little bit. Damn this is depressing.

“That’s why Bud Light costs the same, no matter if you’re a dude or a lady.”

I don’t know anything about this situation, and from the nothing I do know the guy seems like a piece of shit.

Then I’m out. No murder is a deal breaker, sorry. We can negotiate on the decapitation, though, as long as it’s okay on special occasions.

What if it's only a little bit of murder?

Is “wabbly”a typo or a new word? If it’s the former, I can just go about my day. The latter means I have to track down and exterminate everyone who has ever used the word, for the common good. I need to know so I plan my day.

But then Gawker would’ve shown the video and got sued again.

I was trying to think of a good Medea reference, and the fact that the husband is named Jason didn’t even register. I feel shame.

“The professional cycling season stretches from January to October, across every continent”

I believe he started using Cage specifically so he wouldn’t be seen as trading on his famous name. I know for sure that he chose “Cage” because of the Marvel superhero Luke Cage, Power Man.

“It is unclear whether Christy was pointing the gun at the responding police officer or at one of her daughters.”

Not as much as you’d think. I had a bed like that when I was a teenager. One night after reading a horror story or watching a scary movie, I was lying awake firmly telling myself that I was far too old to be afraid, and obviously had nothing to fear.

This is the second most amazing thing I’ve ever seen in a wrestling ring.

Hey, if you finish the race you deserve a beer. I don't care if it's 5k or 5 feet.

I think we’d still have seen the “up the creek without a paddle” joke, because it’s funny. And I’d still have laughed, because it’s funny.