Martyr Mommies unite! Engage JUDGEMENT! Activate CONDESCENSION!

SHEIKHS! BOND VILLAINS! ASSISTANT MANAGERS AT A BOSTON MARKET!

SHEIKHS! AYATOLLAHS! IMAMS! JAFAR FROM ALADDIN! PEDOPHILES FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD! THEY WERE ALL INTERESTED IN THIS UNDERAGE GIRL!

ugh. Awful people continuing to be awful people.

Why the fuck would anyone have a Michigan vacation house, Jesus Christ

The other half being “the way it sounds”?

I only use 100% organic poison ivy, I get it at the local farmers’ market.

Sounds like a red flag to me, but if you trust him then there’s not much more you can do. Go out with your friends and have fun is probably the best answer I can think of.

Literally the only good thing about Cruz’s candidacy has been this guy.

That you can simultaneously love someone very much and need them out of your life for your own sanity.

MANY STARS!!!

Happily, the Streisand Effect will likely ensure that we’ll see her on at least one national morning show, and she’ll have a few choice words for the petty, withered schmuck.

“There aren't any SuperPACs bluing me; I'm self-bluing; I just blue myself."

‘Drew had a very rebellious and wild childhood, with no family around her, and while she is a different person now, and a great mother, some of that can stay with you.’

Drew Magary-penned Dirt Bag, plz.

Just remember to put the seat back down after y’all are done today, k?

Ooooo does this mean Burneko will do a special cooking blog for us today? I miss those.

I 100% do not think this is a joke and I have not for a real long time, this shit is fucking terrifying

That’s what is scariest about him imo. We have no idea where he really stands on anything. His presidency would just be him waking up and saying, “Hmm, what do I feel like doing today? Pushing for education reform, or creating a national registry for Muslims? LET’S FLIP A COIN, MELANIA!”