For the good of mankind, he should date Chris Brown.

Actually, she was sober when she stepped in. Why do you think they've nicknamed that fountain The Fountain of Uncouth?

Squatter: Hey, Chris, all of your shoes have holes in them.

You're not giving him enough credit here, Dom. Lupica evidently managed to find a 3-foot-tall wine barrel, too.

It would be cool if there were some sort of way of discussing the game integrated with the TV broadcast, but it would get really overwhelmed with big sporting events. Millions and millions of people talking at once during the Super Bowl

When life gets you down, the most important thing to remember is that life is life.

"Thanks to some hoopla handed to us by the NFL, we’re out of business.

He should've already gotten plenty of rest sleeping on Eric Young Jr. earlier in the night.

Cop: Okay, we're going to need a thumb print.

I've never known a bear to be this proactive. It's a great career transition for him — he's a forager-cum-dumpster diver.

When one door closes, another one opens (if you're German).

[removes human suit]

As a middle-aged man with a relatively happy house hold - nice wife, children still in the house, my life has lost a lot of its excitement. My kids are great and all - love taking the daughter out to her soccer games and even to the mall. My son, however, is a different story. Always holed up in the house, no…

Ever try bojangles?

They're nuts that go on your truck.

Or as Riley Cooper calls them, "Traitor Logs".

That's like threatening to fight every heterosexual at a Melissa Etheridge concert.

This could not have happened the way police describe - Jones sold his sole when he committed to Kentucky.

Mr. Coleman and Mr. Iverson declined to press charges.

How dare you besmirch them. You better hope I never find you. If I do your face will be Re-Arranged.