found this for you.

Which is amazing, considering the amount of eye-poppingly gnarly shit he posts.

this is gold.

I used to sit on the covered front porch and watch the thunderstorms light up the sky, while I was swaddled in the softest blanket you could imagine, drinking hot cocoa and eating peanut butter sandwiches with my best friend Sam.

Thing is, I didn't even read it. I haven't even read this article. Just the headline and the lede, featured on the front page of Jezebel, was enough for me. I only came to this article to tell Shrayber to fucking knock it off.

JESUS. Is there any way to unsubscribe from Mark's poobloodurinevomitjizz-fest on Jezebel? (I love all your other stuff, Mark, but not all of us have the iron stomach that you seem to have for bodily fluids and solids.)

pre-Nobel, as well, apparently. lady wood: vanquished.

...but my lady wood was mostly for his ability to recognize a peer, even though she had a vagina.

everyone who has total lady wood for Albert Einstein because of this letter, raise your hand.

Nine times out of ten, it's an electric razor. But ... every once in a while, it's a dildo.

YES!!! this.

marry me!

oh man, that is EXACTLY where my head went, too. high five!

That's the mane gist of the story, yes.

she was monkeying with her in-ear monitors. i wonder if she was having some problems hearing herself.

OMG THAT DRESS IS GORGE

seriously. i just want to punch the shit out of that guy sometimes. and by "sometimes," i mean "every time he opens his mouth."

time to fire up the Etsy machine, my friend.