"B.J. > Melvin" -every penis, ever

All this means is that someone other than B.J Upton will lead the league in strikeouts this year

Pretty dumb joke as Deadspin is owned by Gawker Media. Hinkie can't actually trade the Deadspin writers.

Damn, I'll issue a correction.

Photo: AP

"Rip out your eyeballs and disconnect your brain, because First Take is coming up next!"

Bad job by those in charge of the ESPN headlines bar. The Dale Earnhardt feature is already running.

The picture cut off one:

Fitting that Novak would be "Bud Wiser" since both have terrible hops.

This is an amazing feat, considering magic has been banned outright in Alabama.

Wait till they see what happens when they bring it back in!

Giant Raven: [enters Levi's Stadium]

Whoa! Let's not jump to conclusions. Not all Ravens are wife beaters and murderers.

Raven: [shits all over the rink]
Raven: [gets hired by ESPN]

Great. Now the 49er's Social Media Director and their Offensive Line Coach are both going to have presentations in training camp called "For God's Sake, Can't You Just Block Them"

I love when professional athletes give the general public (or in this case some keyboard tough guy) "the business" in a respectful (kind of?) manner. They take so much crap from people and pundits, it shows their human side. I love it- as long as it's done right.

@battman_returns you got 8 followers bruh your own family don't even want to know what you doin! Get better at life!

On an unrelated note, can i just say Bob Ley's beard is pretty damn fantastic these days.

This is the ESPN equivalent of leaving an open Pornhub tab on the browser and trying to explain it to your wife.

I loved your Master's thesis you wrote at Penn St., "Mussolini: He Made the Trains Run on Time."