I just watched White Christmas for the first time.
I am over 35.
I feel as if I've somehow failed in a category I didn't even know existed.

You're awesome and all, Burt, but as the Chief Executive Officer in charge of Pants-Shunning in the Roller Derby community, I feel like you are asking for a LOT here, right off the bat.

You sound like a happy person.

SantaCon in SF:
More weed+Less cold = Nicer Santas.

I can personally attest to this being a true fact based on truth.

Dear Burt,
Please be my friend.

Yours (not at ALL creepily. For realz.),

Otterpantslessness.

NO.

Lack of knowledge about celebrity ANYTHING Otter here:
Are actresses instructed to stand a certain way on the red carpet?
I see the same 3 poses on every single female at a red carpet event on here, but dudes get to just kind of "stand around"

WHY AREN'T MORE LADIES ON RED CARPETS CHILLIN' AND ALL STANDIN' AROUND??

tl;dr

Welcome to the newest craze on Jezebel "talking to hear yourself talk"
But with a keyboard.

*Slowly removes piece from 'Humanity Puzzle'*

*feeds to Bruce*

YOU. DOWN IN FRONT. The one with all of the "social commentary on pets"
You're in the wrong theatre.
This is the place where we bask in the soothing retreat from the OTHER 8651 threads full of arguing.

NOW STFU AND LET US ENJOY OUR XANAX IN THE FORM OF PETS OVER HERE.

I watched this 3 times yesterday. It made me love dogs just a little more.
/Still love dickbag cats, tho.
//OH ALSO LAURA I EMAILED YOU. **waves hands around to indicate that you shoulf be looking in this general direction**

I LOVE ALL OF YOU WEIRDOS!

My first crush was HuckleBerry Hound.

Church is supposed to be "hip"?

I AM DOING THIS SO WRONG.

On a similar topic:
Testicles look like after god was done making people, (s)/he had some extra elbow skin and ovaries left over and thought to himself, "Hmmmm...'testicles'? WHY THE FUCK NOT"??.

Pshhh..your mom's loss.
Any kid who makes something with a tuna can and cotton balls is CLEARLY awesome. :)

THE EDGES OF THIS EDGINESS GOING ON HERE ARE ACTUALLY CUTTING THROUGH MY CLOTHES, ALL OF MY DERMISES, AND WORKING THEMSELVES DANGEROUSLY TOWARDS MY SPLEEN.

Aaaand my Jezebel Bingo card is full.
I think 'agency' and 'appropriation' alone were used 683 times.

Dear The People of Jezebel:
I'm pretty sure we're going to have to agree to disagree on this whole 'Sexy Pop Stars are puppets/sellouts/RUINING FEMINISM FOR EVERYONE OMG YOU GUYS" vs "Sexy Pop Stars are celebrating…

Can we have a thread where we all post pictures of some fabulously awful christmas ornaments we made as kids?

My janky 1st-grade ornament with the dingy cotton balls around a tuna can MUST be displayed, dammit!

I'm going to need to see a picture of aforementioned ornament to inspect for proper levels of janky-ness.