I bet the music in the remake is going to be fucking terrible. I almost want them to make it just to scrunch my face up when I hear it.

This dumb racist idiot will bury us all.

One of these two chucklefucks will be President eventually. Because we’re fucking dicks and we get the government we deserve.

RIP fake ass Titus Andromedon.

That pastor’s twitter avatar is like a super desperate headshot. I’ve learned all I need to know about him from that alone.

Ah, you shouldn’t have said anything! You’d expertly installed a massive embarrassment bomb in my future. I spent like five minutes getting the pronunciation down in an accent I assume would be racist to Germans everywhere.

German is incredible.

Stop reminding me that Bill Simmons exists.

Sprocketssheiße or something. Not speaking German or having the slightest grasp of the grammar isn’t gonna keep me from coining words.

Bet the Germans have a word for when you’ve got so many disrespectful remarks your mind just seizes up completely.

Morgan freeman came out the womb with a mortgage and a car note.

At this point Morgan Freeman’s portrait has a portrait.

I keep thinking he’s looking old for a role, but nah. Damn. 63! If Denzel is 63, Morgan Freeman must be at least 115, 116.

Sidney Poitier doesn’t have one?!

I’ve been on the other side of this in a way. I’m a Deebo looking motherfucker and my car battery only dies in white neighborhoods. I remember damn near freezing to death waiting for AAA last year because not one single soul was willing to let me hook cables to their car. My white voice game was on point that day too.…

Tucker Carlson is still on TV?! I saw Jon Stewart fuck him to death like...a decade ago. That’s not a ghost in them tweets?

I came in here to be proud of Pat and now I’m just curled the fuck up.

I already pay for Netflix, but I still feel obligated to pirate this.

A white man could fly a jet into a skyscraper and he’d be “A victim of GPS recalculation.”

Because God is real and has bullshit priorities.