Um, so are babies. Their skull bones don't fuse for a good while after birth.

THEORY: Ariana Grande medically *must* be carried everywhere like a baby because she got her ponytail from the same place Tobias Funke did.

Damn, babe, you are on a ROLL tonight!

I had that. But it was 3rd grade in Colorado 1986. Then dude lit up a something that he said smelled like weed and asked us all to smell it so we could call the cops if we did.

Do they actually believe that just learning about gender identities other than male and female will ruin their childrens' lives in the same way learning about gay people might?

I don't understand the pearl clutching about social justice

To put a positive spin on it, that means we are currently on the 3rd stage of the Gandhi Social Change Scale (1. they ignore you, 2. they laugh at you, 3. they fight you. 4. your win).

Dave is the master of story telling. Where's the Real Men of Genius ads when you need them? "Here's to you, Mister Epic Breadstick Master of Prose".

I was going to say the opposite: the whole "calm down; don't harsh my mellow, dude" reaction from a guy who wants to be a COOK is so tragicomic I don't even know how to respond. It's like he said he wants to be a boxer ("not like, heavyweight champion of the world, man; just some friendly, low-key rounds with the…

Your grandmother might literally have been the devil.

"Approachable" is a word for after-dinner liqueurs. Not coffee.

He played bass in a Live cover band.

I have an interesting one from the perspective of a server.

Oh god oh god the utter TRUTH of this statement:

Breadsticks. For the mouth part of your face.

I laughed so hard at this in the special silent office way that I had to get up and visit the restroom. And I was still coughing/laughing while walking there. Also, Fazoli's was the worst.

I'm in love. Maybe not enough to let him touch my butt in the hall though... If I was younger, yes.

I was attending on the futile hope that maybe someone cute wouldn't notice how debilitatingly awkward I was and would maybe let me touch their butt in the hall or something.

RIGHT??

Totally. He can touch my butt any time!