Let’s call Trump’s declaration of a purported “national emergency” to get his wall built what it really is...

Same with California, Colorado, Florida, and Nevada, which Nevadans proudly pronounce “nuh-VAD-duh.”

An annual pass for Disneyland starts at $800.

FRIES!

True story: The other night I was feeding our 5 month old. I had put on “Goodfellas” while giving her her bottle.

Could be worse.

My favourite peeve is the one wherein people spell words with an extraneous “u.”

Can’t say they’re wrong.

Criticizing the US government, politicians, and policies does not make you anti-American.

Ladies and gentlemen. Exhibit A that football leads to brain damage.

Well, what else does the Trump/GOP platform offer?

It depends.

Oh I’m aware. That’s some hippy-dippy head-in-the-clouds bullshit.

Just make sure that the bong you get has an ice catcher. 

Then he’s a fucking moron.

What you have to do is drop ice cubes down the neck. It cools the smoke and adds some humidity too. 

Is Ryan’s family rich? Like legitimately rich? Like net worth of at least $5 million rich?

I support selling $1,000 bongs to rich idiots. Because, like all bongs, it will get knocked over and break. Soak rich assholes for all they're worth. 

Eff that.

Motherfucking Rayful Edmond. I’m convinced he was the inspiration for Homicide: Life On The Street’s Luther Mahoney.