Conversely, you should clear out the entrails from your sacrifice as soon as you see the first maggots form.

Did she try to destroy a child’s belief in wonder on Christmas?

Justice Ginsberg is resting comfortably after a two-hour session with a sledgehammer wherein she knocked out some internal walls for a DIY home remodel, followed by an hour of wood-chopping, and an impromptu caber-tossing competition. 

Gallant wears a Santa hat to take presents to sick children at the hospital.

Feh.

And not content to tweet out how he’s forever alone, Trump just told a kid that Santa isn’t real.

Moral of the story:

Actual tweet from actual Donald Trump twitterfeed (who is actually president of the United States).

All Death Star departments, including turbolaser maintenance, sanitation, detention, docking, tractor beam operations, and superlaser targeting and firing, will be open and operational irrespective of government shutdown.

If I could, I’d name my daughter “Phyllis” after my mother, a self-described “bitch on wheels” who, in her 25+ years of criminal defense, took every opportunity to put prosecutors through the ringer.

I’m naming my next daughter “Ruth.”

SAD lamps are for sad people. Embrace the lack of daylight. 

Republican Compromise:

There’s posturing and there’s taking a correct stand.

So you’re going to attract and barely retain underqualified candidates with low teacher pay, anger those teachers by undermining labor representation, stress them out with overcrowded classrooms and oppressive workloads, and then lock a few dozen children (read: hostages) in classrooms with them after handing them…

I feel like I should pay rent to Target I’m there that often. Like, it’s basically church for me. I go there every Sunday and give them 10% of my income.

Don't you DARE besmirch Renée Aubergenois' good name! 

I'd rather not. 

Waitaminute!

Michael Rapaport can’t decide whether, when he gets older, he wants to look like Harvey Weinstein or Woody Allen.