My parents met when they were 13 years old at a birthday pool party in Whittier, CA. My dad’s first words to my mom were reportedly when it started thundering and he said, “You’d better get out of the pool, Phyllis, or it’s going to be struck by lightning and then you’ll fry.”

If Kavanaugh is smart, he’ll withdraw his nomination.

“I guess people are really out there buying Yeezy prison flip flops.”

In-N-Out is inferior in every way to 5 Guys.

27 years ago, Johnny Depp played a rock star in a music video.

If you want to see cognitive dissonance in action, ask a Trumper to square the nativist idea that Congressional representation should be apportioned by number of citizens only with the strict constructionist analysis that the Constitution says apportionment by number of people and the Framers’ original intent to count…

When the movie of this whole sordid affair gets made into a movie (working title: This Whole Sordid Affair), I propose that Bradley Whitford play David Pecker.

It is indeed true.

One of the most infamous moments in NFL history involved a quarterback, Gus Frerotte, who celebrated scoring a touchdown by lowering his head and running headlong into a wall. He was severely concussed and wound up on the disabled list.

In related news, teachers are still expected to purchase actual school supplies for their job, with the new added twist that under Trump’s Tax Plan, such expenditures will NO LONGER be tax deductible.

I know that I told you that Darth Vader betrayed and murdered your father but truth isn't truth and facts are in the eye of the beholder. Reality depends on a certain point of view and I presented you with alternative facts. 

Last week, Giuliani told Chris Cuomo that “facts are in the eye of the beholder.”

Up is down, black is white, right is wrong, and truth isn’t truth.

Nutria are fucking disgusting. And not disgusting-cute like possums or mole rats. They are vile, vile creatures with nasty orange teeth and are utterly worthless. Like possum... There’s sometimes good eating on a possum. But not nutria. They’re useless for pelts too.

Pro Tip: If you can’t guarantee that there isn’t a tape of you saying the n-word, then you might as well go ahead and release the tape yourself.

If elected, I promise no abortions for white people, and mandatory abortions for everyone else, regardless of trimester or birth. 

I doubt Trump will be subpoenaed.

Meting out obscenely excessive punishment to a child for stealing food?

Steven Miller to Emma Lazarus:

If you want a rare burger, grind it yourself.