The only thing that should be metallic champagne is a Chrysler Town & Country minivan.

Great. I just finished painting my daughter’s room and now Ivanka ruins it.

The moment when you realize that the reason there were no POC on “The Dukes of Hazzard” is because, in all likelihood, Deputy Roscoe P. Coltrane would shoot any minority suspect dead.

Are we certain that this isn't a promotional still from Daytona 911, the spinoff/reboot of Reno 911?

I’m just going to throw this out there but maybe, just maybe, if you wouldn’t let a dog drink toilet water because it’s disgusting and unsanitary then DON’T MAKE HUMAN BEINGS DRINK TOILET WATER.

Did you say, “Well Colonel Sanders called blacks ‘n****rs’” on a conference call relating to sensitivity training? Yes? That concludes the Board’s investigation.

If you don’t love me at my most treasonous, then you don’t deserve me at my slightly less, but still blatantly, treasonous.

If you don’t love me at my most treasonous, then you don’t deserve me at my slightly less, but still blatantly, treasonous.

I once had the cops called on me during a basketball game.

I’m an attorney in Maryland. Once you get outside of Montgomery and Prince George’s Counties, you see Confederate flags and Trump yard signs.

“Certainly, I’m sorry they were inconvenienced and anxious about what happened. That was not our intent,” Murphy said.

Do you know what Israel considers to be its greatest threat?

Obviously, there's no humanity to appeal to. So instead, I appeal to their own naked self-interest. 

Dear Racists of America:

Remind me again... When did Paul Ryan remove Devin Nunes from the House Intelligence Committee?

“I apologize to the children who were directed to leave a city pool because of the religious-required clothing they were wearing.”

“Police say that Stopler could be charged with a hate crime in the incident as well.”

“exhibiting characteristics of an armed person”

And that, folks, is how Biscayne Park is going to wind up declaring bankruptcy. Because, holy fuckers... There aren't enough zeroes in the world for the amount of punitive damages.