See, this is an acceptable and appropriate way of fucking with someone's food. Not illegal, not unsanitary, and, while just a little passive-aggressive, it does involve actually confronting the offending guest.

Right? Like, dude, I totally know you because you just told me a ton of shit about yourself, and I have the minimal intellectual capability necessary to deduce and extrapolate from that.

You're pretty obsessed with this guy. Did he spurn your advances? What's the hook?

Darling, if you "can't afford to get fired," you probably shouldn't be doing illegal things to someone's food. Just sayin'.

In fact, I know several things about you:

Sweetie, I'm well aware of the "lesson to learn here." In fact, I'm willing to bet that, with my extensive experience and expertise, I could teach you more than a few lessons about food/beverage service. One of those would be, "If you are incapable of handling a shitty customer without resorting to an illegal,…

Wow, I'd spend a minute exploring why you're such an awful little shit, but I can tell from your comments that you're not nearly intelligent enough to understand anything I would say, so I won't waste either of our time.

Sorry, but tipping is not "a courtesy, not an obligation." You're just wrong about that. If you go out to dinner/drinks/whatever you are 100% obliged to tip appropriately for acceptable-0r-better service. It is decidedly not optional. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to go out, and if you can afford to tip…

Tip something, but 15-20% is not expected or necessary. Usually the bartender or hostess has spent some time taking your order, entering it, organizing it, and making sure everything is there, which deserves something, but not at the level you would for table-side service throughout your meal.

The only time you don't tip on a haircut is if the salon owner is the one who cut your hair.

I can definitely enjoy those stories, but it's a guilty pleasure, because I still staunchly maintain that it is a childish, cowardly, and ineffective response to a guest's behavior. Yes, it feels cathartic, but the reality is that it accomplishes nothing positive for either party in the long run. An asshole customer…

I have worked in food/beverage service for decades. I have dealt with every kind of asshole in every kind of way. I have zero problem telling guests to go fuck themselves, or bringing out The Manager (a tee-ball bat with "The Manager" written on the sweet spot) when called for.

I used to tend bar at a place where I had convinced the owner to round every price to the nearest dollar. We didn't have a pool table so this move eliminated our need for quarters entirely, and it generally increased our tips. I say "generally" because there were always a few total douchebags who would leave $.50…

Cranksgiving is another great alleycat that has the added bonus of helping feed the hungry! It's spread to cities all over the country.

Canned whale meat.

Shut the fuck up, Larry.

You're gonna need a wider grip and to vary your motion, otherwise I think I'll have to pass.

Yes, I know, and that was very easy to deduce, in fact. I just always associate "chum" with buckets of bloody fish parts and I guess I prefer my chum gory.

I could have gone my whole life never even considering the concept of "vegetable chum," and I'm not even going to bother to look up if it's a real thing or not, that's how depressed I am about it, now.

Fish guts and blood are often included in chum, especially for sharks, who have quite the nose for blood.