I’m older than a lot of managers now. That one stings.

I will have your mayo if take all of my mushrooms. Slimy fungus that grows in shit? No thank you.

One of the other coaches (a married man) taught “Christian Life.” He vanished one day after it came out he was sleeping with a student.

Please never again sully a feel-good Melissa McCarthy piece by dragging Diplo’s sorry ass into it. 

I sincerely hope neither of these video tapes ever find their way out of the evidence room.

At my high school, it was the 250 lb. football coach (listed weight, but if he was under three bills I will eat all of my hats) who taught “Civics.” The school barely tried to pretend he was there for anything but coaching football.

I’m sorry, I thought he was “Mr. Kraft.”

I don't like you, but I like you.

NPR led their story about this with, and I’m paraphrasing, “the most powerful owner in the NFL is wanted on charges of soliciting prostitution in Florida.” I was genuinely surprised when the next two words out of the anchor’s mouth were not “Jerry Jones."

“... her and Charlotte...”

My wife’s “birth plan" was a sheet of paper with EPIDURAL written across the top in enormous block letters. After that, anything was fair game.

Jesus, Bernie. Read the room. Then go take a seat and cheer for somebody people want to get behind.

This is just a theory, mind you, but it’s possible Lynn Hutchings is profoundly dumb.

Holy jeebus, there are SO MANY things they could cut or relegate to commercials. Introducing the accountants, the president of the academy droning on about nothing, acceptance speeches by anyone just naming names (seriously, just cut to a commercial if they aren’t going to say anything interesting), almost every montag…

One would have to be especially hirsute to need a shave for this procedure. So unless one’s crack looks like the brambles outside Sleeping Beauty’s castle, shaving ought not be required.

The worst bit about the colonoscopy is that horrible beverage that you have to drink 40 gallons of that makes you shit food you ate six years ago. The procedure itself is... well, it’s like it didn’t even happen. I got wheeled into the exam room, the anesthesiologist said, “Hi, I’ll be your bartender today” and I woke…

Turned the game on for background while I folded laundry. Saw that it was 3-0 toward the end of the first half. Flipped over to Hulu and caught up on “Bob’s Burgers” instead. I regret nothing.

But if he wins, will every American get a free pound of coffee every week?

Interesting that thoughts 1-5 are only four thoughts. I will leave it to others to discern any deeper meaning.

Lock them up! Lock them— sorry, too soon? Ah, fuck it. Lock them up! Lock them up! Repeat ad infinitum.