God damn it, this is not what your mom meant when she said “anyone can grow up to be President.”

I am currently in welding school and have learned that oxy-acetylene burns at between 5,000 and 6,000 degrees which doesn't even come close to the heat of this burn.

I’m old, help me out. Is this the very definition of “thirsty”? I mean, she’s clearly nuts but I am trying to get hep to the ling.

My dad is 92. He does not own a golden piano. He came by his out-of-touchness honestly. 

Good. More Deadspin for the rest of us.

I am genuinely puzzled that he got a low tire pressure warning so he had his car towed. Are he and his car that delicate?

I assumed she wasn’t invited to the grown up party so they had a separate party for “the kids” but she was the only one there.

On his way to becoming a household name that people are going to pronounce incorrectly forever.

I hate the shift, but one of my favorite things is watching a lefty thread the shift for a hit. Or knocking it over their stupid heads. Banning it seems like a dumb idea. Thanks to nobody for asking me.

“I’m not a scientist.” - Merril Hoge.

Men’s rooms are terrifying places, but the one thing that makes me want to puke is when I am at a urinal and I look up to see that some charmer has picked his nose and wiped his booger on the wall. WTF is wrong with you? There are at least two kinds of paper in there for you to wipe that into. That’s just…

I hope they pick me!

So I guess the only thing we have to look forward to as M’s fans is watching Felix pitch his arm off every 5 days while going 4-11 due to lack of run support and/or because he’s not who he used to be. Not so different from the last few seasons anyway. Hell, cut Felix, too. He’s been great and we love him, but maybe…

Does Gavin McInnes always dress like the night manager of an IHOP, or is it just when he takes the boys out for a walk?

Pretty sure whenever he says “we’re studying it” he means “I’m just talking out of the back of my neck but I’ll say ‘we’re studying it’ so I don’t have to answer any follow-up questions.” He is studying nothing.

“I blow Ronald Reagan.” -Donald Trump.

Took the liberty of revising this for the NRA to use in the future:

I had that same thought. Gotta tip your cap to the long-snapper on that one.

It’s barely a joke. It’s basically a foregone conclusion. Even if it’s another 20 years before Portland gets a team. Le sigh.

Laura Ingraham threw a “sieg heil” on national television, claimed she was just waving, and somehow is still working. Nothing means nothing anymore, but she is truly human garbage.