Ottowa! Ottowa! Otto-wanna-go-to-bed!

LISTEN!!

Renee Zellweger frequented the coffeeshop where I work when she was in Austin for a week, aaaaaaaand she was sweet as pie! Now I hate it when anyone says anything mean about her.

THEN WHO WAS PHONE?!

So great! May I submit my ultimate running song at the moment?

Dear Peter Dinklage,

Well, my dreams of Julian Castro are dashed, but this doesn’t change my vote at all...because I’m not a simpleton.

That sounds delicious, actually.

Is it weird that I want to have a pina colada with Celine Dion?

I just..I can’t...

That’s a daytime soap opera ring! Victor Newman gave Nicki that ring!

Thanks, friend. Welcome to the frozen gummy section. Sour stuff is the best. Don’t break yer teef! <3

Thank you, caring soul! One question: Can I eat frozen gummy snacks and carefully hoarded Girl Scout cookies whilst I watch it?!

I’m rewatching ANTM right now (I’m going through the slowest breakup in history and my brain needs junk food). I’m on the season with Melrose and Caridee and I have this to say: Tyra Banks is crazier than a shithouse rat and I love her.

Can we talk about that bacon-wrapped mozzarella for a sec though?

Do bay leaves get rid of ‘em?!?!

My absolute favorite thing to do is drink at a bar where the Olympic gymnastics are playing. I get drunk and wish with all my heart that I could be a professional consoler on the side lines to comfort the girls who fall and bring them lasagna.