To borrow a phrase from my beloved grandmother, this girl is crazier 'n a shithouse rat.
And that's all I have to say about that.

You wouldn't call your wrist your hand. It's all part of your arm, but they're two different body parts.

What in the actual fuck?

Fuck yeah!!

I want to go to there. Not that I'm a parent or need anything other than normal female "vag-maintenance". I just want to hang out with all of these people, and bake cookies for them. I want to be this clinic's Kramer.
A bit hyperbolic, but I'm puppy-like in my gratitude for the fact that a place like this exists.…

LINDSAY! Get it together!!!
Dammit!!!
Ugh.

I'm sorry, did Chelsea Handler get attacked by a swarm of fucking bees directly prior to this interview?

That's exactly what I thought too!

What did Brandy feel like before?
A houseplant? Like, a ficus?

Oh yes, because all families look exactly the same. Every. single. one.
Have any one of these people ever let anyone into their hearts that's not biologically related to them? Even a close friend?

The thought of so many people not realizing that "family" means so many things and takes so many different shapes and…

I live in Austin and got pulled over for an expired registration not too long ago. The cop was brusque and short with me...BUT I didn't get assaulted soooooooo...what I'm saying is, I want to nominate him for the frickin medal of valor. Not sure if that's a real thing, but who do I write if I want to commend a male…

I don't ever take pills. I react badly to them. Once I broke my pinkie toe (like an asshole) and my roommate had a leftover vicodin from when she had strep (and her doctor gave her vicodin...?) that she offered to me. Being in extreme pain, I accepted it humbly. Cut to me 45 minutes later, laid up in bed with a…

Don't have an abortion, ladies! You might give birth to Justin Bieb...oh.

I'll smoke a cigar when the stars align. Meaning, when I'm way drunk and someone has a cigar. That said, I've maybe smoked 3 or 4 in my 27 years (2 of them being when I was a baby, because I was a badass). I can't really process the idea of someone regularly smoking them. It's just such a commitment!

Okay, so from where I'm standing, as an old person, Justin Bieber isn't "troubled." Justin Bieber is a 19 year old kid who has suckled at the teat of worldwide prepubescent adoration for a big chunk of his life. Now he's an asshole. And he's doing 19 year old things, except for him the world is quite literally a…

Listen, sign me up, honey!

If you have a Lulu mat, don't wash with any oils or soaps, for it will take that grip out of it. I use baking soda to scrub mine, with just a squirt of lemon juice.

"Jesus, you are not the father."
"Bitch, I told you!!!"

I wanna do it.

You dated the lead singer of Crash Test Dummies?