“Bye honey, I have to go out alone tonight to meet with my... Pastor. Text you later.”

“[My daughters] have volleyball and then I’ll watch them. I know I’m going to meet with my pastor tonight too.”

It’s nice to see a bunch of teenage girls heading the wrong way on something other than my local highway.

If you spend too much time Stalin against Russia, they will go ahead and take the ball for an easy Putin.

I was promised fundamentals!

Build a wall — and make the shark pay for it!

Also how many people thought that this special was as much a betrayal of the spirit of Shark Week as the special alleging that the megalodon is still out there.

The ongoing furor in response to Michael Phelps not actually getting into open water with a great white shark to race side by side is the dumbest and most hilarious in recent pop culture history. And it’s continuing! Hallelujah.

It’s so annoying when I’m just walking down the street and “become deceased.” It’s a real hassle.

I’m a 20-year Blackstone customer and didn’t even realize they did this. I’m glad to see somebody is making use of Big Data to NOT sell me something for a change.

Especially when it comes to the EJ-25, the type of oil is nearly negligible, because it all burns off! Ask my, I would know. An oil change is more like a ‘topping off.’

Lebron to Kyrie: “You go on ahead, I’ll catch up with you in a minute.”

Or backing something on Kickstarter and then getting mad when there aren’t any updates posted.

And that is why Kyrie wants to be traded. He doesn’t want to be marooned in Cleveland after LeBron bails out.

Serious question: if someone doesn’t have an ID, how else, beyond confirming his birthdate and social security number and looking at a DMV picture, should a police officer be able to confirm an individual is who he says he is? I’m not really sure how they normally do this, but I can’t think of really any other steps…

but apparently Chris Noth won’t reprise his Sex and the City role, Mr. Big.

That big crossbow is called a ballista. They’re a real thing, historically speaking. You can still think it’s underwhelming, but you could at least do two seconds of research before posting.

Can someone explain why David Seaman’s daughter plays for the Netherlands?

I’ll say, what a cloister fuck Benedict XVI was...

“Tub Thumping” was an inspired musical choice.