An old "friend" lost a job for trashing her company car. They'd reimburse for washes, and she couldn't be bothered to drive through one once in the year. 

“On Thursday, President Donald Trump addressed...He sounded downright loony.”

POTUS: Paranoiac Of The United States

Well, he does seem to be unaccountable.

“I know you need a new activity to occupy you’re time since you’re no longer...”

Peanut butter oatmeal balls, https://tasty.co/recipe/peanut-butter-oat-energy-balls

My old man was the picky eater. No one wasn’t allowed to like something he didn’t, and if you ate something around him that he didn’t like, he’d make his patented retching noise.

It's appropriate that the built-in commands look like cartoon cursing, 'cause they didn't do a *#0*# thing on my phone. 

I really miss Boone's strawberry. Need to find someone who can ship a case to me. 

Have YOU heard about the prisons where guards make prisoners fight each other? 

Republicans. They've thought it's a vegetable since the Reagan administration. 

No limburger? Coward. 

I know a social worker who scans Craigslist for mattresses for her clients. A dust mite proof cover, and most are usable. 

At least for a while in the Naughties, speed golf was a thing. Minimum number of clubs carried in your hand, and sprint between lies.

White bread doesn't come in twelve inch units. 

Got spell check?

Licorice comes in shapes other'n whips and twists. 

Get a low temperature under tank heating pad, fasten it to the back corner of the desk with sticky-on-both-sides tape, and plug it in. The cat will gravitate to the warm spot.