To accidentally lock yourself in a four-foot-deep liquor cabinet, wouldn't you have to be shorter than, say, four feet?

That's unfortunato.

"Hot sauce industry" isn't a half bad cover story for chemical weapons manufacturers.

The Touch is the odd man out, and calling it an "iPod" has always been a little iffy. It's the only iOS device with that label. The original iPod (now Classic), then Mini, then Nano, then Shuffle started out with big-spending early adopters and worked its way downmarket. Whether Apple will consider doing the same with…

That "certain sections of New York that I wouldn't advise you to try to invade" gave me the idea for a Red Dawn-type movie where an invading enemy is repelled by the Mafia. If I ever do write it, these days, it's probably going to be terrorists infiltrating from Mexico and being stopped by the Crips and Bloods.

There are a couple of precedents from Apple. The iPod owned the high-end market, so Apple started expanding downward — first with the Mini, then the Nano, then the Shuffle. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Apple expands its price points downward. But the other precedent is what they've done with the iPhone — introduce…

Rick: If it's December 1941 in Casablanca, what time is it in New York?

How many dead Americans can drive, travel abroad, watch The Walking Dead, or borrow money because their driver's licenses, passports, cable accounts and credit cards haven't been canceled yet?

I have about half a dozen iPhone cases. None was quite exactly right. I now realize that what I was missing was something to make my iPhone look like it has a tumor. A removable, screen-cleaning tumor. Thanks, Gizmodo!

Vicarious nostalgia. Have you ever noticed that the folks who are really into Lomography, and lo-fii music, and bell bottoms are too young to have any first-hand memories? Those of us who didn't know or couldn't afford better back then aren't as warm and fuzzy about it. I'm not going back there, man. They won't take…

If your breakup music is Selena Gomez, you're gonna get your heart broken a few more times between now and high school graduation. If your "I'm in love" music is Lil Wayne, no wonder she dumped your scabby ass.

Billie Holiday and a bottle of scotch were good enough for our hardy Pilgrim forebears, and they're good enough for me.

Or 10 minute Tahrir Square videos.

Avid has a home in a lot of TV news organizations. I can see this being good for quick edits in the field; instead of a van with an edit bay and a microwave tower, you have a backpack with a camcorder, an iPad and a 4G mobile hotspot. For the price of the van, you can have twenty stringers running around with…

The WTF part of this is that a woman developed this — and a pretty cute one, best I can tell from a tiny thumbnail photo. Which is a pisser, because I had my "looks like he failed his saving throw against virginity" joke all teed up.

Satire is dead. What I did, you see, was take your argument nearly word for word and apply it to a historical event in order to draw a parallel between that event and this one. I didn't think anyone would mistake it for an actual quote.

The main problem I see is what to do if the firmware gets fried — with the iPhone, you can always boot to DFU mode and restore, and I assume WinPhone and Android handsets have something similar. What I'd like to have is a watertight case for the iPhone and iPad with a built-in inductive charger. Seal everything, and…

Ah. No wonder.

Wow. A great big pile of pretend Internet money. What's the over/under on how long it takes them to buy Time Warner?

Or?