Ugh. I get you - I once turned down a Xmas threesome between this guy and either Drake or Josh from that Nickelodeon show Drake and Josh. I had no idea wtf Drake and Josh was and still don’t really (not a Nickelodeon fan and we were all early 20s at the time), but the story alone would. Have. Been. Fantastic.

When I came home for Christmas break after my first semester at college I ended up hanging out with a guy who I had met right before I left for school. We were flirty and our personalities meshed really well, but we were both awkward as fuck. I really wanted to hook up with him (assuming the feeling was mutual) but I…

In college my roommate and I decided to throw a generalized “winter” party. We cut out paper snowflakes, put Christmas lights everywhere, holiday colored jello shots, etc. We had about 50 people in our tiny apartment, had an awesome party, cops came, people had to leave, yada yada yada...

By “Holiday” do you mean the Good Friday when I hooked up with super hot Alex? Or the Easter Sunday when I met him at the family brunch and learned he was my dad’s half-sister’s son?

Mine was a quasi-hookup, but bear with me. These dudes who lived together in a house while attending college were close-knit so they had a “post-Christmas” in February, in one of the dudes’ ranch in the countryside. I was invited by my BFF, one of the dudes’ girlfriends, and I was newly single, so I went. There was…

Ewww. NO!

Ansel Elgort, that is not a good story.

I like going to the movies by myself. It can be fun because there is no haggling over show times and you get to go when you want.

Will she finally reveal the personal tunnel system she had built under Chicago so she never had to be near the common people or get photographed by paparazzi that I am 100 percent convinced exists? If not, no thank you. I don’t need her tunnel lies but I do want to use that tunnel.

The correct response to this problem is to say, “Fuck it, it’s Thanksgiving” and eat whatever.

As an avid Big Brother viewer I wish that were true.

While I was getting in the car to go to my little sister’s funeral...

my great grandmother said “I never realized how attractive fat people’s faces could be until you.”

My dad used to joke when I had braces that all I needed in addition to those railroad tracks were glasses and then I would never find a husband.

Jane, I lurked in Milihelen for every single post. I didn’t even have to comment because I can honestly say this was one of the most informed, well rounded commentariats I’ve ever encountered on the internets, and I attribute that to you. You gave solid fucking advice with an open heart and mind and you kept your…

This news is trash. This blog is not.

Um hello, he was on The Hills.

WHY EVEN HAVE AN E! WITHOUT A SOUP

Um, RIP to

I admit that I gave this too much mental real estate today, but my conclusion has been to take it a little personally. Seems like it’s not that the stuff I like doesn’t get enough traffic, it’s that I’m not the reader they want.