Hey! Focus! This is about Tony!

I need to print the one out about the three-year-old peeing into a cup and paste it all over the walls of the bathroom. If a three-year-old can pee in a cup, grown ass men can sure as shit pee without spraying all over the walls, floor, and (memorably) ceiling.

Especially when you consider the utterly grueling schedule a tennis player goes through year-round. They have to play in like 30 tournaments on almost all continents just to maintain their ranking... to actually win just one is a feat, but to win several of these and then win so many majors (each with a starting pool…

I don’t think any states ban hands-free cell use, right? Because I am the person who calls you on my drive home, but I use my bluetooth. It’s not very different from talking to a passenger sitting in my car.

My heart stops beating when I get a phone call. Like, haven't I let it be known I loathe talking on the phone?

Wait, you are supposed to bring hostess gifts for a casual get-together, but not a formal dinner? That feels backwards to me, but I’m bad at humaning, so I’ve probably just been doing it wrong.

This would be a great first sentence for your Great American Novel.

My kids are 8 and 6 and they get unlimited screen time. Yup, you read that correctly UNLIMITED. You know what happens when you give a kid unlimited screen time? They get bored. Seriously. They get bored and find something else to do, like play with legos, draw/paint, build their own sonic screwdriver, that kinda…

Does he just keep cooking it until it gets tender?

I am 9 weeks pregnant and have tried to give up BCO due to some serious food aversions but I just can’t turn away.

Anyone who defended cookie dough ice cream doesn’t get to mock the egg beater story. Those monsters are you.

If you haven’t seen it, watch Burt’s Buzz on Netflix. It’s a documentary about him and the company. It’s really amazing how simply he lived.

I’m immediately sad I didn’t make a Kitchenette themed one. DOING IT ANYWAY.

The hottest new thing in Moniga del Garda is La Scaletta. It has everything. Customers who shouldn’t have eaten that, people who follow the servers around and tell them how to do it better, everyone also works at Olive Garden but they all…

The hottest new thing in Moniga del Garda is La Scaletta. It has everything. Waiters that whisper the specials breathlessly in your ear, pizza cubes, chairs made of shitty tippers, entitlement cocktails, lamps that look like upside-down boobs, ice with messages inside about everything you did wrong in your childhood,…

Holy Shit. Nadal lost to Dustin Brown??

“Too bad I only have an Ivy league education,multiple Broadway credits & Emmy nom to fall back on.#shittyjournalism”

isn’t it a known thing that scott and kourtney aren’t really together? on the show he says that they sleep in separate rooms and the only time they have sex is to make a baby. the last baby, they had sex and scott thought it was for fun but kourtney did it for another baby.

Eww, that grosses me out most about repackaging things. Like, I’d much prefer they just give it a long shelf life date in the first place and not muck about with transferring and shit. I feel like that’s a huge waste of packaging materials and also would open any of that food up to more of a chance for becoming…

I am totally lazy and buy cut up fruit but at QFC with the rest of my filthy brethren.

Everyone calls it Whole Paycheck. No one calls it Whole Check except for Jezebel.