You almost had me? You never had me - you never had your scoot. You’re lucky that ridin the clutch on your two stroke sorority- mobile didn’t blow the welds on the intake! You almost had me?

Punt. Er.

Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.

Our closest Burger King shares a mall with a Home Depot. You better bring your A-game if you’re going to compete with a Depot Dog.

I love how a blizzard hits DC/NYC and its ‘snowpocalypse’ or ‘snowmageddon’ or ‘snowzilla’ and the whole fucking world comes to a screeching halt, but if a blizzard hits Chicago or Minneapolis its just Tuesday or whatever and every just goes to work.

“WSJ: What has been the biggest reason for ESPN’s subscriber declines?”

Or just put your hands on him without actually hitting him. The play ends, you avoid the flag, and the Broncos begin the next play several yards further back than last time.

You wouldn’t be such a Doubting Barry if you ordered @Dominos and stayed #HomeOnNYE as instructed.

Mock Jim Tomsula ALL you want. Dude had his contract paid off when he was fired. He made $14-million for coaching one miserable year of football. Do you know how much Costco instant mashed potatoes $14-million buys? Jim Tomsula does!

Johnny Carmax: yo, what’s up?

A nugget from my own well of wisdom:

Dude, orphan holidays are the best! (Presuming you’re not an actual orphan without a family, of course. That probably sucks. But I’m talking the kind where you’ll be alone once). I’ve never experienced Christmas that way, but I did have an orphan Thanksgiving this year for the first time, and it was single-handidly…

So the driver of the white car waits, blocking traffic, for a half hour just for a spot? That's insane.

This bad boy. A girl I knew in college needed me to help her with something on her car(so long ago I don’t even know what I did, this was around the early 2000s) but my reward was this... thing. At the time, I had a 97 Mitsu Galant that I entered in shows:

That is an efficient and reasonable way to deal with an extremely minor annoyance. I don’t think you understand the point of this column.

They also share a division with the team they USED to be, a well-run team that has become the very model for everything the Browns WISH they could be.

Unfortunately, there is no dad in the picture