In the off-chance that you’re still confused, the correct answer was “lower.”

“The presence of spiders in my brain has excited the far right. Thus to combat these extremists, we must continue allowing the presence of spiders in my brain.” - Hillary

But enough about our President, folks. Let’s get to the rankings. 

Patricia kept Jim Bob Cooter as OC because he knew it’d give him an extra year. This offseason Cooter is fired and then Patricia brings in his new OC, and the fanbase gives him the benefit of the doubt for another year while everything stagnates.

“Now let’s go sell some weapons!”

I am, predictably, 1,000 years late to this, but I just realized a lot of players call touchdowns “tugs.”

It’s not Aaron’s fault. He lent Mike McCarthy his cell phone and the dude used up all the minutes. 

I totally get where Windhorst is coming from. For years they said Osama Bin Laden was hiding out in a cave, and so we sent special forces into the mountains of Tora Bora. But the whole time, he’d been living in a house in Pakistan. If Magic Johnson had known LeBron wasn’t in a literal cave, he might have been able to…

This is all code, and it’s a code that fans understand just as clearly as Machado and his agent.

Last night’s game was the first time I’ve ever questioned my commitment to our President. Sitting in my dilapidated rust belt diner with my friends this morning, I was jealous that they’d watched the most exciting football game ever while I spent my evening watching re-runs of Last Man Standing because I thought we…

I’d vote for Jeter but calling him an owner would be a compliment. 

They should have gotten a coach with fewer miles.

President Mark Wahlberg over here. 

I was mostly being facetious about the murder. I just found the idea of a dumbass commenter being publicly corrected by a former player to be rather humbling. I’m normally fairly critical of folks who take player safety/comfort for granted so I can’t say I didn’t deserve it. Plus, there are clearly more important…

But what about Rose’s redemptive storyline where he scored 50 points in a meaningless regular season basketball game against an underperforming Utah Jazz team and everyone in the NBA talked about his legal troubles euphemistically? Surely, the judge would take that into consideration.

I’d like to report a murder, my own. 

Not to go all Gregggggggg on everyone, but I firmly believe that part of the reason both the Lions and Vikings have been so bad historically is that they’ve played indoors for the past thirty plus years. That Slay doesn’t want to practice outdoors suggests that these teams are giving up a tremendous home field…

Bah gawd, that’s Nathan Peterman’s music!

Not surprised Applewhite wants his players to drink the kool-aid (or, apple sauce with phenobarbital).

At least she wore a dark suit instead of a tan one. That would be real low class.