“Goddamnit, why won’t this story go away, so I can get back to my real bread and butter of stealing kids’ labor?” - Mark Emmert 

Now Tino, that’s a Martinez you could set your watch to.

Ball’s in your court, oiled-up Tongan guy.

Instead of boycotting the Super Bowl or doing something else with my time, I am going to go to a friend’s viewing party and then leave in a huff when they don’t stand in their living room for the national anthem. That way it’ll be for the troops. I’m also going to tweet about it using a slightly-darkened old photo and…

God, they always love Duke basketball.

Um, Kentucky did do the Medicaid expansion, John.

Well, national anyway.

Is there some unannounced contest between Michigan State and USA Gymnastics over who can take the least responsibility?

I remember as a kid how exciting it was when someone you knew had a connection to either the Nintendo or Microsoft employee stores.

He did say it was better than his wedding night.

I’d say this isn’t a great look for the spouse of a cabinet secretary, but this is the least of our country’s problems.

I don’t buy it. It’s in the best interests of the league to have the largest media markets possible in the Super Bowl and London is way bigger than Boston.

What do you expect from a city whose mass transit still uses fucking tokens?

Poor kid, trying to get Dad’s attention the only way he knows how: by praising him on Fox News.

[Browns draft quarterback with first overall pick]

[in exaggerated Russian accent]: In Goodell’s NFL, troops support you!

If the Vikings blow a late lead in an NFC Championship Game and no troops can see it, does it even happen?

The answer is always whichever one’s #brand is easier to monetize.

How much water must one drink to heal a fracture?