When my wife and I first started living together as a (not yet married) couple, I noticed on a lazy rainy Saturday that she kept getting up from the couch we were sharing to go to the bathroom. It took about five trips before I realized she was going in there to fart. Then I said the words that have haunted me ever…

No.

Oooh, I did it once while hubby was going down on me! I tried to play it off as a queef but we both knew better. It took him quite awhile to get back in the saddle, so to speak.

I hate this woman.

I don’t ever think kids should be used to manipulate either parent but Fuuuuuuckkk Yooouuuuu for wanting a fucking trophy for being a father. It’s 2015, there is no element of surprise anymore that sex can lead to babies. Moron.

One day, I hope someone invents a device that rich men could use when they want to have sex with random women but don’t want all the risks of getting them pregnant and having to pay child support.

Oh, it definitely is growing. Fiction that is considered “Christian anything” is becoming more and more popular. Part of my librarian duties is acquisitions and I had a woman ask me to purchase a title that she described as a “Christian murder mystery.” I had to stop myself from saying what the hell does that even…

I used to love to read books about summer camp. The adventure, the excitement, the romance! Alas, summer camp was definitely a thing for rich kids. I was just lucky enough to live close to a public library so my addiction to terrible YA summer camp novels could be indulged for free.

Anyone been to Nordstom lately? I find their pointy head mannequins equally terrifying. My guess is that they are “from France”.

Guys. I’m going to my 4th wedding this wedding season in two weeks and I really wanted to tell you all about it.

I know it’s normal for siblings to look alike. But everytime i see so many similar looking children I have to think of this.

Actually, there are only 17 kids in that picture, so the baby is Jennifer and she was born in 2007. After her was Jordyn, and the youngest is Josie - who was born extremely premature so there aren’t any cute family group photos from her birth.

Why is this headline not “19 Kids and Cancelled”? Missed opportunities!

This woman knows nothing about me.

Well, for one thing, a dead tree can decompose and become a vital part of the forest ecosystem. The metal lock? Not so much.

Ugh. People are so bad. I was just on a beautiful hiking trail and saw a lock through a hole in a dead tree. This is a selfish and destructive way to show your “love” and I hope people see the folly in it.

Stars to a fellow asthmatic cat owner. Poor little babes.

One time my cat pissed me off so much I shut her in the laundry room for three hours just to not look at her. As I did so, I told her “And you know why I get to do this? BECAUSE YOU’RE A FUCKING CAT!”

Is your cat sad because no one could possibly understand what she’s going through? My cat is sad because it’s summertime and living ain’t easy.

My cat wakes me up with the sounds of her profound existential anxiety.