This is the best and you are the best because you posted it.

If you had a time machine that could transport Swingers era Vince Vaughn to my current location, then yes, all over it. Modern Vince Vaughn? If I was really drunk and kind of hated myself a lot, maybe.

So instead of changing my pad or tampon every couple of hours I would have to change my underwear every couple of hours? I would need 8 pairs to get through one day, and I’d have to wash and dry them every night to be able to get through the next day, using more electricity/water/etc than I normally would. Plus having…

I'm a DD, they are still pretty perky, and there's no way I could do this without like, mashing them together with my arms or duct tape or something.

I was wondering, too! Like how is this even possible? Is there tape involved? Weird boob muscles that I don’t possess?

I have a trans cousin approximately Huckabee’s age, and she knew what she was even if she didn't realize she wasn't the only one. She never told anyone until much later because she knew the result wouldn't be showering with the other girls; it would have been beatings and psychiatrists and people calling her horrible…

That is exactly what it made me think of. Except it's hard to justify entire pick up beds of ornamental plants being necessary. I'll allow the wood, even though it was way more than anyone could need in one year in the south.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not a very good feeling when you really want to be/are happy for your loved ones, but also seriously want them to shut up.

Speaking from experience, yes. Like you love them and are happy for them, but you are also thinking, “seriously?” My best friend is now pregnant with her 4th, and I'm thrilled for her, but also I need her to stop telling me how she was on 2 forms of birth control when she got knocked up the 3rd and 4th times. Because…

My mom used to live next door to a guy in his 80s who gave her what must have amounted to at least $1000 worth of plants and chopped wood that he stole from the Kroger. In the middle of the day. Because he seriously did not give any fucks at all.

All I can think of is throwing it at someone. Which would hurt, but probably not any worse than half the stuff I carry in my purse. Or just my purse in general. Or my shoe. Or any other item on my preson that I’m allowed to have on a flight.

I am totally neutral on the flower question. Mostly I find it a pain in the ass to transport them from one place to another and I don’t like dealing with them once they are dead. I do appreciate that it’s generally meant to convey nice feelings and it’s nice to know someone thought of me and wanted to do something…

I actually did catch the PeeWee joke, I just got distracted by my own rant and forgot that I meant to acknowledge that the basement was awesome.

The Alamo was probably cool, but we were there at the same time as everyone else in America and their children. This one kid kept literally shoving me out of his way so he could not look at the exhibits and I decided we should leave because it seemed inappropriate to murder an entire family at the Alamo (looking back…

Honestly, I'm more surprised that they had this much discussion about it. I would have expected the more vague, platitude-y rejection that most jobs give. Blah, blah decided to go another direction/don't fit criteria whatever at this time.

Well, I am a master of basic, average, totally regular human decency. You know, out of about 20 cars there were 2 dicks who totally didn't let anyone else go! I am better than 10% of the population.

I know a couple guys who have heroically refrained from abusing anyone. Where can I sign them up to receive their very important awards?

This morning in traffic I let someone turn in front of me. Then I went work and did my job. Then I did not kill anyone. Where are my cookies, please and thank you?

Firstly, I learned this when my mom was dealing with my abusive dad: you are NOT responsible for her harming herself. She seems to be saying it to manipulate you, and even if she follows through it’s not your responsibility to give her money to stop her from doing it. You can suggest a counselor or community…

We are on a support group page for other people involved in this process and we see so many stories of the lowest paid workers spending nights at their offices because the kids have nowhere to go, and that’s after they very likely worked regular hours the day before and then got up at 3 in the morning due to an…