Now were cooking with gas! (that my burrito gave me)

As a personality on a major media outlet, these anchors should know better than to be incorrect like this. Next time, let's hope they say it properly: "Cooking with peanut oirr".

For me, the most important step to avoid IT in the future is not looking at porn on my work computer.

Put him on the air wearing a sombrero and a poncho and we'll call it even.

[reads headline "Running Back With Weight Highly Sought"]

Correction: this was actually Andres's second apology of the broadcast... the first time he asked viewers to forgive his wonton remarks.

"We've called both Rubber and Glue to see if they've been drawn into the spat yet. Neither returned emails."

Of course they haven't returned emails, you called them.

"Date Rape" was robbed!

Matt Schaub almost put a video of himself masturbating on Instagram, but HIS girlfriend intercepted it before it got posted.

He looks like someone that might have been assassinated to start a war in Europe in 1896.

The race also violated BYU's honor code, as "fun" is in its name.

Derrick Rose Tweaks A Hammy

"So now it's OK to hate dogs?" - Michael Vick

I'm more worried about the seal population. Won't somebody think of the baby seals?

"I really just don't see why I'm the one being accused of bullying here," Incognito pleaded. "I mean, HE was the one who refused to stop hitting himself."

this is the wrong football, we need a new football

I think the Miami Heat's average age is being skewed much higher by Greg Oden

To complement the theme, all penalties will be served in the John Wilkes Penalty Booth, Presented by Ford.

The Jaguars have the most stable and constructive locker room and coaching staff in the state of Florida right now. Consider the ramifications of that sentence

That's too bad for the kids.
I know why I like to go.
Totally good food.
The wait staff's nice
Also, it's clean.
You know this story's just ...
Sad.