What’s that Laker doing laying there? Well don’t you see it?! PICK IT UP!

I always scramble my eggs directly in the pan. I just want scrambled eggs and I’m already cooking them in the pan and I’m a lazy fuckass so why would I dirty a bowl along with the pan? Fuck that noise man. It’s bad enough I’m dirtying a plate by putting the eggs on them because now I have to clean THAT too. Maybe from…

“My Teacher Has No Panties and I Can See Up Her Dress” - Nobody spoil this one for me, ok? I haven’t seen it yet and don’t know what it’s about.

A 12 pack of High Life cause it was on sale super cheap and fuck it, what do I care?

“Hosting or going to”? That sounds better than “shoveling chicken wings and potato chips in my fat dumb face and washing it down with a 12 pack of whatever beer was cheapest” like I was planning on doing. If people ask me if I have Super Bowl plans I will now be answering “I’m hosting or going to!”

In my years, I’ve discovered that if you get upset at someone making fun of you, it’s because you know what they are saying is true...the entire state of Iowa is now proof of that.

A podcast? The fuck is this lazy bullshit? I CAN’T JUST *HEAR* WORDS LIKE I CAN READ THEM.

Where is the lie on what Eli was saying though? He was *totally* making those exact noises.

I think the most appropriate question regarding anything and everything Kanye, or any rapper for that matter, says or does is this: who in the fuck actually gives a flying fuck?

That the government strategically times things to take advantage of when we are distracted as a society. Maybe I’ve been listening to Bill Burr too much but he’s right, every time McDonald’s announces the McRib is back it’s always right during the time some super shady shit happens, like the Flint water crisis. McRib…

I’m in on this only because of that video clip somewhere on Youtube of Stevie at SNL or somewhere and a big group of people are standing around and someone bumps into a microphone stand, causing it to fall over and Stevie just reaching out and catching it right before it hit the ground. Dude can either see or he’s a…

I had an encounter with bedbugs after staying at a Hyatt Place for a couple days. Didn’t know what they were at the time, nor that they had even feasted on me. It was a 3 day stay, I had a “suite” and spent most of my time chilling on the couch in front of the TV - shirtless. This was because I was on vacation in a…

KC and JoJo’s “All My Life” came out when I was in 8th grade and that led to some *very* close slow dancing which led to some *very* awkward 8th grade boner hiding.

Clearly caught and released the ball within the arc. Whatever. Refs can’t get anything right and probably weren’t even looking at his feet.

What to do if I win? Simple. Step 1 - Go into hiding. I mean, completely off the grid, for at least a year. Somewhere only like my parents (I’m single) know where I’m at. Don’t take or make any phone calls. Don’t check or log in to any social media. Nothing. Step 2 - Pay off all of my debt, which, given that I’m now a…

Refs taking over and ultimately controlling the outcome of the game? Joey Crawford is masturbating so furiously to this video right now.

Bone Tomahawk is a good candidate for that. You go in thinking “oh a western about tracking down some savages” and then you get into “JESUS CHRIST WHY DID THEY DO THAT TO THAT GUY?!”

“From Kristin’s Facebook post: “This has ruined his belief in Santa.” - your kid is 9 lady. 9. Nine goddamn years old. He should have given up the whole bullshit Santa thing at least 3 years before he became that age. Shut up.

Heyward is gonna get plunked on the first pitch in his first at-bat in the first game between the Cubs and Cards this coming season, isn’t he? Christ St. Louis is acting like a bunch of babies since he left. Whatever. It’ll make for some good entertainment and rekindle the rivalry. 2016 is still the Cubs year though.

My birth month, June, is the best month. Because every 6 months I get presents. It’s amazing. I get presents, half a year passes, I get more presents, another half a year passes, I get more presents....repeat ad infinitum.