For $10k I’d better come out looking like Beyonce. And I am white.

Spreading rumors like “Kevin Federline is the new Hamburglar” is the entire reason that Twitter exists.

I really enjoy yours

SCREAMING INCOHERENTLY AT YOUR QUEENLINESS

Now several young brides from Kilkenny

hahahaha omg send your kids maybe they can be jezebel correspondents

If it’s wine it work, if it’s grease it works, and I really miss my wife today.

Those pickles are cool because their mascot is a stork, which is the universal symbol of having an unwanted baby because your Christian pharmacist wouldn’t sell you your birth control and your shithole state only has one abortion clinic left.

Being a dinosaur would explain the poor driving skills.

It’s entirely possible. The encounter that prompted me to stop ordering generic G&T was a waiter who was clearly going to bring me denim steeped in darjeeling.

Mean Girls is okay, but it doesn’t hold a candle to Heathers.

Who is amber rose?......Who are you? Who is that houseplant? Who is a chair?

I learned about that in the other order.

“My great-granmother’s step-brother’s uncle-in-law’s half daughter died from driving into a lake due to advanced Glorpmans, and I found this whole thing to be gravely offensive. I hope you and your gang of little pricks get a chunk of Red caught in your self-centred throats.”

#stonemenlivesmatter

How big would the sign have to be, if she was unable to see the lake?

To me, a poached egg was one that was caught in a snare, on a not to bright night. And then you would stuff it down your pants and run silently though the dark forest for half a mile. When you ate your poached egg, you always chucked the last bit and the shell to the lurcher that had been silently by your side all…

Oddly, every time someone tried to scam me this way when I worked retail, they relented when the manager started actually counting the drawer (“Whoops! You’re right! I did give you a 10, not a 20!”).

“How dare you mock the guy for not knowing what the beach is? Some people make it to age 50 without visiting the beach and somehow completely missing the ever-present representations of beaches in popular culture. Besides, many people suffer from Glorpman’s Syndrome, which is an inability to understand the…