“The female children barely dressed”

Divorce is a sin. Wives are just women.

my only experience with Hooters at all is my Grandmother was a huge fan, because of owls. Owls.

When I get my time machine running, I’m coming for you, 1985 James Spader.

For book readers:

Hyphens are our friends.

She could totally have an everyday vagina and a special occasion vagina. That’s what I’d do.

If I were Sofia I would eat those fucking embryos on toast like they were fucking caviar.

RYAN STARTED THE FIRE

This is why I do all of my cooking over a burning pile of kindling and old batteries.

Unfortunately, some people respond to sweetness and light with a sort of avid viciousness. Full-on Vandemar-and-Croup style of “there’s something nice and pretty, I’d like to completely destroy it.”

With its full name on its tee shirt.

I dunno, I don’t work for Ubi.

"Can we just get a pretzel instead?" Allen asked. "You like pretzels."

“hundred of them responded. But they all live in Canada, so they couldn’t come today.”

I went out with Conor Oberst a couple of times. The sex was meh, but I broke it off when he came over to my parents’ house for dinner and pretended like he didn’t know what a potato was. It was obvious to everyone that it was just a shitty joke that he refused to abandon, and my dad eventually kicked him out. I mean,…

.

Learning at two that your parents are criminally stupid may save you a lot of frustration in later life.

That’s exactly the type of negativity my personal guru has been telling me to avoid.

They’re so much fucking better than your pillows, we keep them all stacked in the ladies room