I really hope they use the last one for the "Charlie Hunnam's Butt" clip at the 2078 Emmys In Memoriam reel.

I-26 from Johnson City, TN to Asheville, NC through the Smokey Mountains is pretty mind-blowing.

Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. Three shots of tequila in two hours? That's like lunch on a Tuesday.

I have this toy.

HOLY SHIT WINNER. (Stefan voice) This story has everything: a proposal, vomiting, oral sex...

I guess if you don't want your kids watching porn, that's the most effective way to do it.

I once found an old photo of my father at a work party, standing next to a topless woman who had clearly popped out of a cake. He looks slightly embarrassed, and seemed to be about to offer her something to eat.

I really wasn't planning to do another Terrible Customer Stories entry any time soon,

Man they didn't even teach us about gays and look at me. If they had covered that shit in sex ed class I would have gotten all the extra credit.

It's going to be a long 114th Congress...

Maybe I will come to your country and fuck all your bread!

When I served in the Navy, actually on a ship, I witnessed the unspeakable.

Waiter, *angrily*: "Well, maybe I will come to your country then. And eat all of your bread!"

Edgar's story to me exemplifies the difference between someone who is dumb and someone who is misinformed. A misinformed person will realize their mistake and quickly change tack upon receiving the correct information, usually with a small "duh!" slap to the forehead before moving on. A dumb person is someone who…

I just want all service people to know, I really am appreciative of the hard work you do. Especially when my family of 5 ventures out to eat, which we try to keep to a minimum. We have a 5, 4 and 2 yrs old. Who are all very picky and messy eaters, often leaving the table and surrounding area strewned with food and…

I'm fucking hungry as shit.

Remember, just because you ordered the Gratuity, it doesn't mean you owe your date anything!

When I was in Europe, selling monogrammed thermoses, THEY would cook my steaks for me until it was tender, no matter how long it took. Americans are so lazy sometimes.

I like my gratuity grilled until it's tender. Please remember that for next time.

My abusive then-girlfriend (I'm a woman) was a month away from moving in with me when she told me that she was having "feelings" for someone else, a friend of hers. She said nothing had happened, but she was now doubting our relationship. Cue a month-long hellish ordeal where we break up, get back together, break up,…