I am so sad that you fell, but delighted that people applauded for you. Please tell me you play the sousaphone.

Must be nice to be loose-change-in-a-sock rich. That’s pretty ritzy. The only thing I beat people over the head with are my empty hopes and dreams.

This is my dream.

Wel-come.

(I’m so sorry, I immediately hate that pun but I’m leaving it because I can’t help myself.)

Team Sex is known for their fair and valiant attempts at a team-wide, simultaneous finish.

It’s unsettling.

Unofficial cheering thread for Team Sex right here. Post your sexiest gifs and chants. Sexy, sexy chants.

And that’s because we are all winners, obvi, don’t tell me different I’m too delicate.

OH. Well, fuck.

UGH don’t get me started on the deposit I had to put down in order to cover the cost of my disembodied wailing. Apparently because I’ll be shrieking at a higher pitch than male ghosts, the premium goes up. Plus I have to sign a clause that forces me to promise that when I fill elevators with blood, that I’m using…

There is more to this story and I must hear it.

THAT IS DEFINITELY THE CASE WE ARE ALL RELATED AND I AM JUST WATCHING THE MINDY PROJECT IN THE NEXT ROOM OVER NOT AN ENTIRE STATE AWAY PLEASE DON’T LOOK TOO CLOSELY THERE’S NO NEED THANK YOU

I wish to one day have your fall-confidence.

I mean, lady coffins HAVE to be more expensive. Our curvy Boobs n’ Things means we need more wood than men do. Plus, EVERYONE knows that when ladies die, our spirits are forced to walk the earth forever, nagging men and screeching into the ether. And that obviously means our graves require regular salting and…

Let these massage kittens soothe away the terrible nightmare.

Thank you everyone, I am horrified and grateful.

My deep fear of embarrassment is rising while watching these and causing a full body cringe that I may never recover from.

Someone please describe to me in language you might use with a mature toddler what happens because I have baby eyes that can’t handle gore BUT I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I’m a monster I’m so sorry.

They day they figure out how many of us mooch off our friends’ paid accounts and put a stop to it will be a dark, dark day.