This is all I can think of.

Whenever they wear socks around the house they step in a puddle.

This is beautiful.

Just had weird, plastic smiles on our faces, while we uncomfortably bobbed our heads.

Oh no. Awful. Both are abominations. Dry is worse, but given the option, I choose option 3, wedding flask.

I don’t even know what the issues are.

That is straight up cruel.

Sleep every night with someone breathing hot breath on their face.

Every single pair of pants they have gets something pokey in it, like a foxtail, somewhere, so they feel it on their legs whenever they sit down/walk/move, but can never find it with their fingers.

The constant sensation that their phone is buzzing,…

I hope they manage to arrest all three of these assholes.

it was a dry wedding

Standard summer festival jazz band songs. All standards. It was devastatingly boring. And they kept telling people to “Get up! Don’t sit down!” So there wasn’t any room on the floor to dance, if that was their intention. Everyone just crammed on the floor or stood, half-hunched at their tables.

The greatest crime in this is that someone traded away wine for JAM. What? Upsetting.

AWFUL. Ugghhh.
I went to a wedding where the bride and groom had everyone to stand on the dance floor while they performed a THIRTY MINUTE medley of songs. Not like, a funny medley. Just... sang together while they made everyone watch. They are not musicians. I mean, it’s your wedding, do what you want but...

Totally. I would even watch a weekly half hour of just Chelsea Peretti gesturing emphatically. Girl is brilliant.

Just escort him to a flight of stairs. Then we’ll see who’s human and who’s a cleverly disguised robot, here for total earth domination by way of explaining how to power cycle computers/clear search history.

I am absolutely making casserole for dinner now. Mmmm.

‘First Date At The Movies Where You Want To Hold Hands So You Put Your Palm Up Awkwardly On The Armrest And Touch Pinkies’ athletic socks.

.... Well then. I am hugging wrong.

Can’t wait for the ‘Comfortably Distant Side Hug’ pants and the ‘Handshake-no-wait-hug-oh-god-handshake-now-it’s-too-late-let’s-just-lean-towards-each-other-and-shoulder-hug’ Pants.