Hey buddy, I'm not asking to replace your dad. I'm just asking to bone your mom. Again and again and again.

Yeah, seriously. It took Jon Stewart years to become an essential destroyer of worlds. This is another WE WANT OUR OLD DAD BACK! column.

Once more for good luck:
GATITO PIENSA EN NADA MÁS QUE UN ASESINATO DURANTE TODO EL DÍA

You misspelled "churros".

I'm rooting for a 100 Episodes on Chavo Del Ocho.

GATITO PIENSA EN NADA MÁS QUE UN ASESINATO DURANTE TODO EL DÍA

Not a knock on Taran, but Ted Cruz feels like such a Mirror, Mirror version of Tim Calhoun that it feels like leaving money on the table to not have Will Forte trying him on for size.

Unless I'm reading this wrong, there's still going to be an English-language AlJaz, the one the rest of the world gets. Maybe we'll get a stream of that?

"Former wrestling impresario".
Oh boy, the TNA Impact people are going to love reading that.

This was Bowie's last public music until 2013. If he had never come back for The Next Day, this would've been the button for his whole career.

Wait until you get to the "Hhh"s. It's a heavy breathing supercut.

Manos. My pop culture weekend was the BluRay of Manos.

We went through this with Dana Carvey during the Bush 41/Clinton/Perot three-way. One of them's going to be a pre-record. There's precedent, dammit!

Something that's never been said about a SNL segment…EVER: There's a Kraft Mac 'n' Cheese ad that did the same Star Wars joke in a fraction of the time AND implied that obsessive collectors may eventually procreate. Also, there's mac 'n' cheese in it.

For maximum torture, one of WFMU's contributors put out a six hour all-Jingle Bells mix a few years ago. It's a holiday tradition to see how far I can get into it before bailing.

The on-a-gum-wrapper version: Dude did a segment/one-man show about the Chinese electronics factory where they make Apple crap and made up a lot of details. Ira Glass dedicated a whole show to pinning the dude's ears back (as much as he could while still retaining Ira Glass-ness) while explaining/apologizing for where…

Consumer advisory: The Rockabye Baby version of Nirvana's "Heart Shaped Box" is the last thing you hear before the army of killer toys comes to get you.

As far as books go, Life + 70 is actually pretty straightforward compared to the US mix-and-match. If you can't make your investment back in two lifetimes, you should've become an accountant.

I love the core Beatles catalog, but as I found out when I was under one of those "lie still for a half-hour" medical imaging machines a few years ago, I can close my eyes and hear any of those songs in my memory at this point. I'm not putting up my money again unless there's something special coming to market.

The biggest bummer is that it turns out Frank Conniff found out about the casting on Twitter, like another punk in the street.