Big strong baseball players will walk up to him with tears in their eyes and say “Sir, your fast pitch inspired me to win the World Series”

Also, many people are saying, no president in history has thrown out the first pitch before. We’re the first one to do it, folks. I mean, the stadium is going to be packed, and another 500 million in the parking lot that couldn’t get in. I played baseball in college. My coach said I was the best he’d ever seen or…

As someone who loves Thanksgiving above all else, this makes me want to declare an actual war on Christmas.

His comments had everything to do about the game situation that just occurred and nothing else 

What’s important to me is being able to open an article in Jalopnik without a video autoplaying.

“Formaldehyde, you’ll recall, is a carcinogen...it’s also an embalming agent.”

I quite literally write, in the opening paragraph: “She is neither married to Phillippe or responsible for him.” She is in both the cover image and in the bulk of the article, however, because her inclusion in the lawsuit, and Hewitt’s belief she has evidence to prove guilt, defined significant portions of the legal…

Samesies.

You know youre in deep shit when your defense is “That wasn’t a rape, I was just being unfaithful to my wife!”

Only if you’re white. That does not apply to anyone one else.

Pfffft  The Onion is satire 1.0

Those are nice gestures, but tobacco smoking was declared a public health issue in 1956 or so, and we shouldn’t let the praise of our good works blind us to the need for more. The tobacco companies continued to hand out free cigarettes for years, because they knew what effect it had on the market. Tobacco farming has…

Stupid president, trying to keep the economy from crashing! 

I know where he is coming from, I got a charlie horse the other day, and despite the pain and my body screaming at me to stop, I kept at it and finished that bucket of chicken.

Since it’s Texas, maybe they can use guns to cool the school somehow?

I feel like the only thing you got right was counting to three successfully.

I was just shouting the same question. I didn’t get an answer, but my dog is refusing to come inside now.

$10 bucks this dude wouldn’t show his browser history to his mother.

It is mind boggling to me to consider the scale of the Voyager missions. Long after humanity has gone extinct (perhaps evolved into new species, perhaps ascended into new reality, perhaps downloaded all of human consciousness into a vast computer network, or destroyed one another in a war over resources after all the…

Bless your heart.