"Your Honor, the defense quarter rests."

*Stormfront confirmed*

So, he's Thor now? Well, Thor or Charlie Hunnam?

"Hello, Iceland! We're going to play all of your old favorites, but first, we'd like to dip into our new CD.." "EVERLONG!!!" "Don't worry, Sir, we'll…." "NO NEW CRAP! EVERLONG, NOW!!!" *Dave starts song* "GET TO THE 'AND I WONDER' PART!"

I guess that's ONE way to avoid staying through your kid's play.

True story. When I was in middle school, I glued my peehole shut, in hopes of finding out if the rumor was true that I could still piss out of my butthole. Imagine my surprise when it worked. And yes, I am running for Congress next year.

Screw first responders. CMT are the real heroes.

It's obviously Thanos' Propecia dispenser. #GodPatternBaldness

Great. Now all I want is to see the Joker send Harry off into the woods for his own good.

Sicko. Couldn't he just ask for a photo of their feet, like a normal artist?

Uhh, better dead.

16 years with one shirt. Girls Own Love, but Andrew owns a washer with a gentle spin cycle.

"…..completed his first tour of Europe." Thank you for your service! (aide whispers into ear) Oh.

"I lose weight when I feel like it, bitch! Shut your bitch ass mouth, ho!" - Fat Abbot

But, when Bernie's Prez, my college debt will DISAPPEAR!!!!! #interpretativedancemajor #funkofanaticforever

Fight me. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGHTTTTTTTTTTTTT MMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

It's been said a picture is worth a thousand words. However, THAT picture can be summed up in two: Man tits.

I suppose when it comes to the political revival of Corey's Midwestern brethren, we'll all just have to wait and bleed.

Not since Moby's "We Are All Made of Stars" has the term "star" been used to such perplexing effect.

*reaches on utility belt for Anti-Tear Repellent*