I was taking a shower and washing my butt, as you do, and pulled on something. Kept pulling. Started freaking the fuck out. Threw whatever it was against the wall and kept freaking out. Thought for sure I had some sort of intestinal worm. It was a rice noodle. That I pulled out of my butt.

You would have loved my Catholic high school. Every time you saw a senior crying, you knew it was either a Notre Dame rejection or a positive pregnancy test. I laughed equally hard at both.

Rudy is that short guy in a bar who wants to pick a fight with you because you accidentally bumped into him. He is that guy who is constantly getting in viscous jealous arguments with his girlfriend because she was talking with another guy, who happens to be tall. Rudy won’t stop talking about how much he can bench…

*Khaled sees kid on the tetherball alone*
“Congratulations, you just played yourself!”

Interesting that when white guys stack cups we call them athletes, but when black guys stack cups we call them dishwashers at Chili’s.

It’s nice to see his manager pissed on his behalf.

I'm from the south so I know how devastating it is getting the clap from cousins.

I think companies really need to get out of the habit on firing people because the internet demands a sacrifice. It only encourages people to continue using toxic behaviors to push their agendas.

And people wonder why baseball is losing popularity among young people. NBA players could go full-on And 1 tournament during preseason and no one would care. Just thinking about this “respect the game” bullshit literally makes me tired.

It might be time for the Mets to convert Harvey into a reliever.

Just another reason why I love Bayern. You know, the club paying off their stadium loan 19 years early.

RG3 will have a great run in Cleveland. Too bad they’ll be down 30 to Pittsburgh when it happens.

“Sir, we signed a mobile QB from a Texas based school who won the Heisman.”

Learned somethin’ new about Drew today, respect. RIP to a legend, 45 is 45 too soon.

How the hell do you put a giant chaw in your mouth while blowing a fucking bubble?

Why the fuck does this video smell like onions?!?!?!

This makes me legitimately sad. Sager’s one of the most joyous personalities in sports, and that’s just not the crazy suits talking. He and Popovich spun gold on those sideline interviews on a weekly basis for years. He is a rare figure in sports media who is just about universally beloved, which tells you what kind…