Funny, they told me the opposite if i stopped holding my Marvel Comics in public i might get a girlfriend.

EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMALS ARE NOT SERVICE ANIMALS AND ARE NOT PROTECTED BY THE ADA.

They’re not just being polite. That “sir” is an expression of complete, lifelong subservience and obedience. It’s basically a feudal vow of eternal fealty.

Every stripper I’ve ever seen genuinely wants to fuck me. It’s clear.

Yes sometimes when I pay for coffee they thank me profusely and even go so far as to call me “Sir”. So that totally means baristas, and all cashiers really, have the utmost respect and admiration for helping them out by buying stuff. You should see how kind wait staff is to me always checking up me and asking if I…

I need to get to a doctor right away.

I’m not letting my kid get a Participation in Concussion Drills trophy, man. He’s gotta earn his Concussion Champion trophy.

Just okay lol Get out of here edge lord, the starbucks hipster cafe is that way.

Define a lot.

watch a lot of kids pee, do ya?

Why, do the boxes taste better? 

My wife bought me 12 new pairs of boxers for my birthday, which I was legitimately excited about; as the old pairs had been through a lot, but my excitement was quickly turned to disappointment as I saw they were button fly boxers...  Had to explain to her why this was a bad present now and that no, it’s not the same…

I’ll do you one better. I was visiting the IU campus since a friend works nearby. Was standing at a crosswalk when a car full of white power idiots drove up in front of me, yelled “white power!”, then sped off. Initially I was surprised, I’ve been all over the Deep South, Pennsyltucky, and Appalachia coal-country and…

I know exactly how Andrew Luck feels. I mean, I don’t have a degree from Stanford or a bunch of athletic ability or millions of dollars or a super-high IQ. But I have been booed by people in Indianapolis. And my boss does a lot of drugs.

It is not a sport for weak men. He never should have taken all that money if he knew he was just going to run away from the sport, with his tail between his legs, because he got a couple of booboos. Football is for real MEN and not these entitled CHILDREN who want their paychecks without giving it everything they…

I feel sorry for people who don’t have fun memories from their youth that they like to revisit from time to time. 

Still not as big of a pussy as Jim Spanfeller is, amirite?!?!?

Dang, I feel a bit let down. This entry felt downright tame. Of course, I don’t think anything could top last year’s Fucktomb. I’d say this was the best dig that I don’t remember seeing in previous entries in some variation:

Wow, he’s really lucky, because, while they take drug offenses super-seriously in New Hampshire, they recently repealed the death penalty. Not only that, but hanging was still on the books in NH as one of the possible means of execution, until earlier this year! So, he won’t have to worry about mobs of people…

Like most people, they criticize in others what they secretly despise about themselves, you fat asshole.