To really put the duration of this contract into perspective, when it expires, R. Kelly will try to have sex with it.

Well, the guy was obviously injured. Acting like an idiot without hurting anyone is one type of crime, acting like an idiot and hurting someone as a result is a different type of crime.

Fun fact: “The Touching is, To Me, Off Limits,” was the original title of MC Hammer’s 1990 breakthrough single. 

Your fad diet is stupid and you’re a sucker.

That reminds me of this time I was doing Crossfit in law school... 

And you'll tell anyone you can about it any chance you get.

Study: Green New Deal Will Sleep With Your Spouse, Steal Your Kids

“See, this is why I stay a virgin.” — Mark Davis

White male egos are the fragilest of all egos.

Top Ten Answers:

1st step: Get a ship.

If life is just, then 45's presidential library will be in the penitentiary he, his family and his appointees occupy for the rest of their natural lives.

At least Brad can spell Reese’s? 

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by Reese’s Thins.

In Eminem’s origin story he’s bit by a radioactive Summer’s Eve.

The simple fact is that daughters of past US presidents should stay non-partisan. We elected her to lead the country not meme dankly with her many cool friends

Theory No. 7: Would-be fans spend 97% of their disposable income on mirrored Oakleys, Jimmy Buffet paraphernalia, Valtrex and stickers of Calvin pissing on things.

All chaps are assless. That’s what makes them chaps instead of pants.

Maybe if Drew Brees hadn’t thrown that interception in overtime we wouldn’t be having this discussion. It’s almost as if that wasn’t the last time that the Saints had possession of the ball. Hmm...

I used to rent this from Blockbuster all the time.