Having spent some time in New England, “Go fuck yourself” apparently also means, “Excuse me, could I grab a jar of spaghetti sauce if you’re still trying to decide which brand you want?”

Sir, this is an Arby’s drive-through.

“Pats are always thielen calls at home.”

The president’s tweets would be a lot more interesting if he used insults like these. Less “Crooked Hillary is BAD!”, more “Hillary Clinton’s brain is full of SPIDERS!”

A. Because it’s really good.
B. Because it’s widely available. 

It really does.

“How can I correct a server who mispronounces a dish?”

OMG. I am so sorry. 

If you can’t masturbate in a bar at 9:15AM in Vegas then where can you masturbate in a bar at 9:15AM at?

I now know where I’m holding my next orgy.

It must be some Lehigh vs. Villanova, philly cheesesteak-level beef.

“Ew, parents are changing baby diapers in the dining room.”

Booooooooooo.

Not just a 7th, a *2020* 7th. They exchanged him for draft capital good in a year we aren’t even guaranteed to make it to.

Wow. The Jags are so bad, they’re even having trouble handling the Bills. 

The titles for all Mushnick columns should really start with FWD: FWD: FWD:

“Why can’t I have the good table?”

A picture is worth a thousand words. In the case of this header photo, they are all “Ugh.”

As a public service to my fellow readers, I checked out the comments section on “Brietbart”, gaining an insight into how the VSWP (Very Scary White People) are thinking.