Let’s see how cute it is when he starts evicting tenants because they have cooties.

Oh, look.

Let me explain this amazing comment so Redskins Fans understand... Adrian Peterson beats his kids.

Adrian Peterson told reporters, “That was a new one for me. It was different.”

 no one Vikes that

I force it to make a point.  I’m in control, not the poops

If I can do something that cool when I’m wearing pants that high, I’ll know I’ve lived my best life.

“Sean, you know what tomorrow is, right?”

Lefkoe: Alright, now we’ll bring on former Rams coach Jeff Fisher, thanks for coming on. First question for Jeff: What did you have for breakfast this morning?

Keep hoping for that breast cancer relapse to happen any day now.

“We apologize to anyone who felt deceived and we see now that we should have been more transparent.”

Water: 5 ingredients

A friend of mine is getting married for the first time at the ripe age of 50, which is great, BUT he’s insisting on having a raging Hangover-esque bachelor party. 

“And the dude who organized it still sent me a fucking BILL for the group’s strip club tab.”

Except for the Carolina Panthers WYTS.  This only has 50% more floral prints than anything involving Cam Newton.

THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER

Flamethrowers are standard-issue in South Philly in case someone moves your lawnchair after you shovel the snow out of your parking spot. 

I’ve never been, the bread is raw?

Go to hell, you fucking mutant. Jesus Christ, this is what the world has come to, we have this entire city of illiterate, human colostomy bags coming out of the woodwork like winning one Superbowl validates the fucking terrible life that preceded it and will follow.