He’s not on the 40-man roster, so calling him up would result in multiple roster moves.

Ironic that here it’s Johnson and not Guerrero swinging wildly out of the zone.

David, the people are clamoring for a Borat & The Cryptkeeper episode! Even the FRAIDIES, like MAH WIFE, want that sweet sweet content! EEEE HEE HEE HEE HEE! 

For my money the single greatest SNL performance in my lifetime (31 years today!):

Is Gritty gritty?

Unless the Dodgers manage to collapse even harder, the Cardinals will be looking back at this game as one of those very winnable losses that cost them a playoff spot.

Luckily for Robles you didn’t write his name 3 times; if you had he would have suddenly been on the Mets.

I took a look at my tweets, which date back to 2010. While I did not find accidental porn, I did learn I am and always have been a horrible, horrible tweeter. 100-character hashtags? Got em. 0/0/0 tweet slash lines? LOTS. Bad jokes repeatedly directed at random sportswriters? Oh yeah. What the hell, Peluda? Get your…

A hit so savage, reading it gives you CTE. Good god man.

NFL on QBs: “Tackles must break the laws of physics or you will be penalized.”

Someone better tell Orange Hagrid the Union already got their new mascot before he falls and actually hurts himself.

I think they all do at the end but who gets that far?

Are you kitten me with this, Fred?

Plot twist, until those shell pieces start coming through. 

Barry, Barry, Barry. You fell for a classic error in egg-eating: you cooked them! Cooking the egg expands its volume considerably. Eating 50 raw eggs would have been a cinch. And you would have felt totally fine afterwards!

This was an awesome event! Despite embarrassing myself in front of Drew by lying for no reason about having never eaten pork rinds (as the very first thing I said to him), it was a great opportunity to flaunt my new plaid you inspired me to buy. I hope you found some interesting guys in the Topps I brought too.

Possible diagnoses:
Pubonic Plague
Staff Infection
Boneitis
Sackardia
Ballemia
Nutrosis
Dongue Fever
Tooleremia
Dicklampsia
Scrotrosy

Well since we know he can’t drive, it would seem the only solution is that he has to ride a bike from now on.

One would hope he never gets to call shotgun again.

“What is Shep on about today? Let’s see wha-”

“What is Shep on about today? Let’s see wha-”