See, now why can’t Twitter be for good things like this, instead of bad things like everything else.

If this doesn’t go into the time capsule of human history we will have failed as a species.

duh, of course...what was I thinking?

Do you think he took the over or the under on the Puppy Bowl?

The Mets blew a 3-1 lead in the Finals because they didn’t hand the ball to Marshawn Lynch.

He was just pissed there were no juuls.

Marshawn Lynch is on your side.

I’d be interested to know the percentage overlap of people who believe Kaepernick is “disrespecting the flag” but also believe there’s nothing wrong with flying/using the confederate flag. Also the percentage of those people named Cletus, Keith, or something-Bob.

I’m sure he appreciated it and that is really all that matters, but the lady next to him was not impressed.

Aaron Freakin’ Rodgers. He was going against me in fantasy, and it would ha-

This mascot was developed after someone ate a MUSHROOM MUSHROOM.

So I should just cancel my ratchet belt order? How DISRUPTIVE can belt technology become before I just go for suspenders?

So I should just cancel my ratchet belt order? How DISRUPTIVE can belt technology become before I just go for…

I did notice that, even your body was fighting the motion. So it was some anonymous “senior Deadspin official” then who plotted against you. TREASON?

What kind of person hangs their clothes so that the hook faces out? 

Already got my ticket! Is it BYOBear or will bears be provided? Will there be opportunities to take a bear home at the end like some kind of murderous table centerpiece? 

I was worried the jokes might have been a little flat.

No ratchet belt? Clearly this guy is missing BIG 2018 TRENDS your beltsmith doesn’t want you to know about!

Well that was a deflating reply.

Straddling an electrified fence is wrong on both sides.

There’s at least one Tom Brady joke in here somewhere.