I think they all do at the end but who gets that far?

Are you kitten me with this, Fred?

Evidence suggests I just farted at my desk. Can you prove it with science? Perhaps not...but my coworkers’ reactions are pretty good indicators.

Plot twist, until those shell pieces start coming through. 

Barry, Barry, Barry. You fell for a classic error in egg-eating: you cooked them! Cooking the egg expands its volume considerably. Eating 50 raw eggs would have been a cinch. And you would have felt totally fine afterwards!

This was an awesome event! Despite embarrassing myself in front of Drew by lying for no reason about having never eaten pork rinds (as the very first thing I said to him), it was a great opportunity to flaunt my new plaid you inspired me to buy. I hope you found some interesting guys in the Topps I brought too.

Possible diagnoses:
Pubonic Plague
Staff Infection
Boneitis
Sackardia
Ballemia
Nutrosis
Dongue Fever
Tooleremia
Dicklampsia
Scrotrosy

Well since we know he can’t drive, it would seem the only solution is that he has to ride a bike from now on.

One would hope he never gets to call shotgun again.

“What is Shep on about today? Let’s see wha-”

“What is Shep on about today? Let’s see wha-”

See, now why can’t Twitter be for good things like this, instead of bad things like everything else.

If this doesn’t go into the time capsule of human history we will have failed as a species.

duh, of course...what was I thinking?

Do you think he took the over or the under on the Puppy Bowl?

The Mets blew a 3-1 lead in the Finals because they didn’t hand the ball to Marshawn Lynch.

He was just pissed there were no juuls.

Marshawn Lynch is on your side.

I’d be interested to know the percentage overlap of people who believe Kaepernick is “disrespecting the flag” but also believe there’s nothing wrong with flying/using the confederate flag. Also the percentage of those people named Cletus, Keith, or something-Bob.

I’m sure he appreciated it and that is really all that matters, but the lady next to him was not impressed.

Aaron Freakin’ Rodgers. He was going against me in fantasy, and it would ha-